Is this it?

Each day holds a new level of disappointment. Yet somehow....somehow, I still have hope. I can't for the life of me figure out why, probably because of some other undesirable trait. Like I'm so **** stubborn that I refuse to give up.

I'm still praying my guts out, yet cringing at the thought of hearing "no" one. more. time. So I'm not sure where that leaves me, I think I have faith, but I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping this is all a fire drill, "What will you do if your world falls apart?" But in reality, it's just almost falling apart (or pretend falling apart, after all, that's what a fire drill is) and everything will come back together. But maybe this is actually it, maybe my world is falling apart. So then what?

I was hanging out with one of my older brothers today. He's having a really tough job situation. He HATES...no, he LOATHES his current job and has been looking for a different one for eleven months now! Meanwhile, his current job just gets worse. He was explaining that he could have quit his job a while ago, that would have solved the I-hate-my-job problem. But then what? It wouldn't be good for his next job, for his finances, for his marriage, or his future. That's about where I am. I want to run away so bad that it hurts. So bad that there are no words to describe it. I want to get on a plane and fly to Ghana and not even think about the consequences. That would totally solve my I-miss-George problem. But then what?

It's Saturday again. I'm dreading what to do tomorrow morning and longing for some encouragement. I don't know where to find that.