Daily Bread

Today, as I was driving to work, praying to God that I would get through the day without saying something I would regret (or quitting) and BEGGING Him to release me from this place (which would require a great job for G with rockin' health insurance or winning the lottery-I'm ok with either option) it hit me-God IS providing for us!

I had become so consumed with worry about the future and hating my job, that I failed to realize God's provision now. He has been so faithful! We have more than our daily bread and it keeps getting better. God is continually providing for us each and every day...we not only have what we need, but He is even giving us a lot of our wants. How great is that?

Things will surely work out in our job situations-I don't know how or when, but I know that they will. In the meantime, I am going to try and focus more on our daily bread and daily blessings and less on the what-ifs of the future.

Baddest of the bad...seriously.

Since my conversation with my boss a week or two ago (you know, the one about me most probably getting the axe?) I have been having a hard time. By hard time, I mean that on days I have to go to work, I have a TERRIBLE attitude! Like, the baddest of the bad. I could teach Eeyore a thing or twelve, I find no good in ANYTHING (if you were to bring me a hot fudge sundae I would assume you wanted to make me fat, not that you are being nice) and I have only a teeny, tiny scrap of hope....if any.

Before, I worked at a sucky place, I knew that. But, I had decided to stay. I was going to wait it out until I felt like leaving, because I was in control. Now, the ball is in their court, not mine. My motivation, though small before, is pretty much non-existent now.

I beg God all the time to come through for us. I ask Him why He isn't answering, I point out His Biblical principles that would mean we shouldn't stay in this situation and I even pray to be sick sometimes so that I don't have to go to work (am I in the 3rd grade?). It has finally hit me that I'm no longer asking God to give me strength, endurance or peace. I am no longer asking Him (or caring about) working unto Him or being a witness at my job. I am just over it and I want out! Again, am I in the 3rd grade?

God has really convicted me about my poopy 'tude. (Which by the way, isn't it funny that you don't seem to hear God when you want an answer, but He's still pretty loud and clear about you being a butthead? What's up with that?) Also, about my lack of trust. I am mad because I am not in control of my situation. The truth is though, I never was and I never will be. And then I realized that I am scared because I'm not in control. And THAT is stupid. The God who created the universe is in charge. Even knowing that, I'm finding it hard to shake this attitude on work days (mind you, I'm fine when I'm not at work).

I know God has great things in store for us and we are sooooo blessed as it is. Jobs are the major thorn in our flesh right now and we realize that. In the midst of it though, it is SO HARD not to feel discouraged, the fearful, and to even have a bad attitude.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34

This passage has been a really great reminder to us lately. God knows what He's talking about (and though health insurance is not specifically included in this passage, in my mind, it is!) God is BIG and I know He will show up...He always does. This is a walk of faith, it's not always easy, but it's worth it. I love my God and I love the man He gave me and the life that we have...even when I'm grumpy, a stress-ball and a control freak. What's better is that God (and the Hubs) love me back...all the time. I am blessed.

Bad to worse....but God is bigger.

Things are getting more and more interesting around here. I keep thinking God is going to show up like, POW any minute....I'm still waiting.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss. He told me the position I was hired for (Nursery Designer, remember? It was gonna be a super awesome job!) still doesn't really exist in my company and in all honesty, it probably never will. I wasn't surprised by this at all-I had already figured out that I was working for a bunch of snakes who don't value honesty, work ethic or really human rights. So, he said, "Where does that leave you??" (with a creepy, brooding gaze) "I'm here," I said. (What I wanted to say, but thank you Holy Spirit that I didn't was, "No sh*t! You people have a reputation for stringing people along! I'm not a freaking idiot-I figured out about the time you came aboard that I was not going to be the nursery designer and that you had every intention of cleaning house and giving me the boot. I'm just buying my time till my husband gets a career job. I hate this place, yo!") He went on to say that I have the talent to be an amazing sales associate (ok? I think a monkey could be an amazing sales associate too, I don't know that talent comes in to play). However, I just don't have the enthusiasm for it and I don't seem to have a great desire or love for working there. Because of my lack of enthusiasm, I have some decisions to make and if I don't, they'll make them for me. In short-I better be so excited to be taken advantage of, underpaid, lied to and ripped off that I'm about to pee myself every time I walk into work OOOORRRRRRRR, they fire me. My boss complimented me on several things actually, I do my job, I'm just not giddy enough about it.

I didn't really have anything to say in this meeting. I wasn't even really that upset or surprised. To compound the situation, G heard back about a job he interviewed for recently (he rocked the interview)....he didn't get the job.

At bedtime, the weight of losing my salary and health insurance hit me hard, and so did the tears. Where is God? Why do I work at this crazy place? When exactly will I get the axe and how will it go? Why can't my husband get a job? He's awesome! He'd be great at so many things! Why won't anyone hire him?!

So that's what's going on. Sucky. I know that God cares about this and sees this. I don't know why He hasn't moved yet. So we're calling all prayer warriors...PLEASE pray with us! We need peace and wisdom and strength. And G needs a job! A great job that will support us and has health insurance! We know our God is big, this waiting part is never fun though....