Great Expectations.

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks G and I have shared, spiritually speaking. We have some big decisions to make (and the clock is ticking) a lot of things to consider and not a lot of clear direction. I prayed and prayed that this exact situation we're in would not happen, and here we are.

I am exhausted and not handling this quite as well as I would like, I want to "give up" but I'm not even sure what that means. Partially, it's the whole pregnancy and intense emotions thing, and partially, this is just hard and it's not my turn anymore. I used to be Miss Take Charge-I had the answers, I had a plan & I would do it. Now, it's G's turn and I'm happy for him to take the lead. It doesn't exactly make it easy though.

I wish I could adequately share how amazing he is. I wish there were the right words to say to convey what a selfless, hard working, sacrificial husband he is. I am amazed and so, so thankful.

I heard back from unemployment this week. My appeal is coming up. I got a packet with all the stuff my employer said about me. It was creepy and full of lies. It made me feel trashed all over again and mad that people like them get away with crap and treating people so terribly. It also made me immensely thankful to be out of that place. I can't wait for this aspect of yuckiness to be over.

I keep going back to how and where God was leading us...especially to that place several months ago when we were excited for this adventure and pumped to see where it lead. The direction was simple: stop trusting in a job and start fully trusting in God. We didn't have a lot more than that, but we had confidence that our God would see us through. Some days, that is easier said than done. I feel like we are in that place of trusting God where somebody turned the lights out-we aren't sure which way is what or who is with us...it's just very dark.

I've been thinking a lot about our Cocoapuff's nursery. I had hoped we would get to have one and that I would be able to prepare it before he came. I have the paint, fabric, furniture and art picked out, and let me tell you, it's a great nursery! It might be time to shelf that dream for now. It makes me sad to do that and confused, since God has given me the talent and desire to make a beautiful home, but I guess I can make a pretty Master Bedroom/Nursery too. It's certainly not the end of the world and of course he'll be in our room in the beginning regardless, but dreaming and planning toward his place was a major bright spot for me. It will be a challenge since our bedroom is small, but we'll make it work.

We had some tough blows relationally not too long ago and a lot of the words that were spoken have come back to hurt all over again...especially in regards to some of those big decisions this week. I'm trying hard to give that back to God and focus on His truths for us, instead of other people's opinions, but it's hard. It also makes me very mindful of my words. The thing about words is, you can't unhear them or take them back. I want to be very careful not to dole out hurtful words that keep coming back, or words that aren't quite true. We've had a lot of broken promises lately, a lot of hopes set high because someone told us something that wasn't true. That hurts too, a lot. Words, they're tricky.

God is a complex fellow. We've been delving into His Word and trying to better understand His character and the depth of His involvement in our lives. I don't want Him in a box and I don't want to miss out on what He has for us. I'm confused about what that is though. I know He is great and can and will do great things. I also know that bad things happen to Christians and non-Christians alike. I really love the Psalms and the ongoing story of travail and triumph over and over again! Confidence in the unfailing God and an anguish that asks where He has gone. This is life. It was life then and is life now and the same truths remain.

I feel a lot like the Psalmist lately. Some days I am a total cheerleader for God's miracles and great love for us. I can go on and on about how huge He showed up in scripture and in the lives of people I know (and our life!). I can tell you with full conviction that He doesn't need the perfect job, economy, resume or interview, but that He WILL provide and in a BIG way. And other days, I am with the Psalmist in my utter despair, saying, "How long O Lord?" On those days I can think of all the bad things that happen to people who love God and are following Him. On those days I cry like the Psalmist as well, cry to God and just cry.

Despite my emotions, despite my circumstances, despite my bad days, despite how my heart aches for my husband in a way I didn't know was possible, despite how things looks on paper, I am not giving up-we are not giving up. We have GREAT expectations! We don't know what our life will look like tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but God does. And really, that's probably the best place to be. We are fully relying on God, some days by choice and some days because He's all we've got. We love our God, even when we don't understand Him and we are truly thankful for His provision and blessings on us.

I've tried to just focus on posting good or happy or surface things, cause the deep stuff hurts. There's not a lot to share that fits in that first category right now. It's been a hard week. I am really struggling to keep my emotions in check and to keep trusting our great God. I feel like I'm being toyed with and I'm lonely. Still hoping and praying for change....

Extreme Couponing??

I've been hearing a lot about this extreme couponing thing and I would love to save money anywhere I can, so I finally caught an episode at my mom's house. Ummmm.....what?! That show is insane and I was totally in shock (I know, I'm way behind in figuring this out). Aside from the fact that there is some serious hoarding going on, no one seems to be buying ANYTHING fresh (since there aren't coupons for the great healthy things that are grown or raised on a farm)! They buy a lot of junk, like tons of soda, candy bars and unrecognizable preservative laden stuff or just empty carbs, because it has a coupon. There don't even seem to be coupons for the semi-healthy shelf stable stuff. On top of that, these people are getting money BACK from their grocery stores-that just won't work in our area, I checked! So I'll keep using coupons when I can and shopping the sales, but I will never be an extreme couponer.

What I might be though, is an extreme shopper! I love finding great deals on high quality items that I love. My very first credit card was a Banana Republic store card-I got it on my 18th Birthday. It had a low limit and could only be used at the Gap family stores. Over the years, it somehow morphed into a Visa card and the limit got higher and higher. The perk is that I still get awesome reward coupons for the money we spend, so we use it as our family card. This month, we got a reward and I was determined to make it stretch as far as possible. I checked out Old Navy and the Banana Republic and Gap factory stores, but there was nothing that I really loved for any of us. Lucky for me, there is a mall on the way home from Bible Study, so I hit up BabyGap (side note:I love BabyGap- their clothes hold up so well to washing and wearing and the retail stores seem to always have a great sale or promo going on). Total score! They were having a sale on their sale items! I got a whole bag of cute things for Cocoapuff! The original retail price for all of it was $119, they were on sale, then an additional discount was taken off, then I applied my "reward" for a grand total of $0.44! Pretty cool, huh? I may not be able to do that at the grocery store, but I'll take what I can get! Here are a few of my favorites... The mushrooms are too darn cute! I got the matching hat for this one...the hat is bigger than the outfit, just in case he has a big ol' head like his Uncle. ;)

My little Cocoapuff is gonna be so stinkin' cute wearing that!!

In other much more important news: Immigration is SENT!!!! It is out of my hands and out of my house. I feel like a weight has been lifted and am confident in the paperwork we sent. Hopefully there are no bumps in the road and everything will be processed smoothly.

Pregnant and loving it!

I love being pregnant!

I think God is so cool that He came up with this whole pregnancy thing and I am having so much fun with it! Here are some of my favorite pregnancy things...

Sleep! I have always been someone who takes a loooong time to fall asleep and then would toss and turn a lot and get woken up easily. Not anymore! I sleep like a rock! So much so, that I am just a little bit concerned about this becoming a habit and not being able to wake up with Cocoapuff. My mom assures me that won't happen. :)

Hair. Though my hair still doesn't do quite what I want it to do, it seems a lot thicker and looks better after styling longer than it did before. Who doesn't want that? So glamorous!

The belly. I'm diggin' the belly! It makes getting dressed so much more fun because you can show off your belly instead of always trying to make it look smaller.

Eating. As you know, I'm all about healthy/clean/organic eating and try to eat that way as much as possible-even before pregnancy. But NOW it's just so much more fun! I think about what foods I eat helps Cocoapuff grow and what he "likes"-so far, I much prefer salty foods rather than sweets. Maybe he's gearing up for football Sundays with the guys? The other great food side effect is that I can say, "I think Cocoapuff really want this." and POW! I get it. I try not to abuse that power. George on the other hand tries to use it as much as possible, but no matter what he says, Cocoapuff still does not want a fast food burger. Sorry Babe.

Movement. Feeling Cocoapuff move is the most amazing thing. George asked me one day if he's playing. Good question, but try not to ponder that too much. He has started moving in response to music (so far he like Jesus music and College Indie the most-funny, me too!) which I think is so cool. He seems to stick his butt out at night and that cracks me up...based on his family, this could be him practicing his editorial comments...yep, he's ahead of the curve.

So I say all that to say that this is great and I'm glad that in the midst of job, financial and immigration stress, that we have this precious baby to look forward to. I want to keep enjoying every moment and miss anything by being in a rush.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18

23 weeks, etc.

23 weeks! I can't believe how quickly time seems to be passing! I'm also happy that we have 17 more weeks to prepare for our little guy. In Cocoapuff development this week, he is growing nipples! How nice, he might look a little odd without them. :) And here's a bump update. Keep on cookin' baby!

I get to send immigration paperwork next week. Instead of feeling terrified that something bad will happen or that I'm gonna mess things up, I am feeling excited to reach this milestone and to be able to move forward! I still lay awake at night thinking of the immigration to-dos and make sure I haven't forgotten anything, but things are much more chill.

I made Cocoapuff a stuffed elephant out of Ghana fabric. Much to my surprise, it's cute! I'm excited to have time to brush up on my sewing skills. However, this pregnant thing is messing with my left brain-right brain communication. I can no longer sew by pressing buttons, I must have the pedal. I feel like such a dork!

The weather here has been really tough lately-extreme heat and drought and terrible fires. This weekend, it RAINED!!! Rain is so encouraging to me! There is a pond by our apartment that has been completely dried up for months-like cracked dirt, desert looking dried up. It made me sad every time I saw it. Now, the pond is full again! I feel so encouraged when I see it, like it somehow means we're gonna get filled up too.

Once upon a time...

G and I have been reminiscing a lot lately about when we first met and "the early days" of our relationship.

I told him all over again about when I first set eyes on him back in 2006 in Akatsi. I wanted to marry him-maybe even knew that I would. That still makes him feel pretty good about himself. :) I had no idea what would lie ahead, but even if I did, I wouldn't change anything.

We laughed at remembering the first time I took a tro-tro from Hohoe to Ho to see him-ALL BY MYSELF! For some reason, it was kind of a big deal for me. I learned for the first time though, that G's mom loving chastised him for letting me do that, which is why I didn't travel much alone beyond then. Haha!

We really laughed about the time that I had malaria and his mom gave me Martin's Liver Salts, as though it were just indigestion. For some reason that remedy didn't work.

We still feel a little bit sad when we think of the hard goodbyes we said. But we are joyful all over again when we remember his dramatic entrance to the US and how I waited and waited at the airport because I was not. leaving. without. him.

We are glad that though there were so, SO many people who had issues with my going to Ghana in the first place, that I held on to my convictions and that God made a way for us. He made a way for us then, He's made a way for us all throughout our relationship and He's making a way for us now.

What a story. We love remembering the good times...and the bad. I love that we will share this story with our kids. I love our life, even on the hard days (or maybe especially on the hard days, it seems that's when love is really put to the test) and I love that the moments we are living now will unravel into something great as well.

Deeeeeep breaths...

As you may remember, George's visa is conditional, based on our relationship and it's legitimacy. This month, we file to remove the conditions. That entails some basic paperwork, more money than I think is reasonable for someone to review the case (some biometrics at some point), and as much proof as possible that we really and truly are a loving couple and not visa fraudsters.

Well, anyone who knows us can plainly see that our relationship has absolutely nothing to do with immigration. We are in this together, forever, regardless of the country we live in or the paperwork we have to submit.

It seems so simple and non-emotional when put that way. Where was this logic at midnight last week?

Here's the kicker. We're dealing with the government. There are no rules or outlines as to how much proof is enough. And besides, how do you prove you love someone on a piece of paper? Co-mingling of property and money isn't exactly something you do because you love someone and have a legit relationship-it just happens...or doesn't on the more complicated things. Living together in and of itself doesn't prove love. A life insurance policy can be cancelled at any moment. Seriously, all these hoops and paperwork formalities don't prove a legit relationship.

It's hard to quantify things like, I will stick by his side no. matter. what. How can you notarize that he is still patient and loving even if I cry everyday over ridiculous things? (btw, it's not really everyday, it just seems that way sometimes) How do you have certified paperwork that includes things like I pick up his favorite cookies whenever I can? How can you prove you go visit someone for lunch, just because you love them and missed them over the last 5 hours? You can't easily quantify that you listen quietly to some of the most annoying "gospel" music ever because he loves it and it reminds him of home. We don't have any pictures of G surprising me by doing chores around the house or making the bed upside down. I have no documents that can attest to the fact that on most nights, when we go to bed, it takes us hours to actually go to sleep because we are talking about the day, praying for and dreaming of the future and laughing about all sorts of silly things. Those things don't transfer very well to government accepted documents.

While all of that was going through my mind, I was also thinking about all the documents we can send, and how some don't seem to be working out very well. I was thinking about how all of this is my responsibility and that if something is wrong, it's all my fault. I was thinking about how hard it was to be apart and how it might kill me to do again. I was freaking out about all the what ifs...what ifs that I will barely let myself think all the way through. And in a hormonal explosion, it all came tumbling out! I am scared.

And my sweet, sweet husband was my rock again and spent a lot of time talking me down even though he was exhausted. He asked me the hard "what if" questions, helped me work on a game plan and helped me realize that everything will be okay. I believe him.

Immigration is not fun. However, we will get through it. I'm so glad I have my man by my side!