Wandering

You've probably noticed my increase in blogging...I hope you don't find this annoying because it helps me, in some small way, to write my thoughts out. I could do this privately of course, but then I wouldn't have an excuse to ignore my calls. (I ignore them because people can find out what's going on without actually talking to me. Those of you whom I have ignored, I'm sorry. I'm not ignoring you specifically, just people in general...this too shall pass, I hope you're around when it does.)

After more than a dozen tries, I finally got to talk to George! The connection these days has been absolutely terrible. It was comforting and frustrating to hear that we are feeling the exact same way. The anger has subsided, the tears have stopped (for now) and we are left with one question: what now? I feel like we are wandering [separately] in a desert and our compass (we are separate, but have one compass) is broken. We are absolutely weary of waiting...watching...hoping...searching...day in and day out...it seems like this will never end. I also feel like my horse/camel (a camel is cooler than a horse, but a horse is more realistic) has run away as well as anything else cool that I started this desert journey with. So now it's just me, wandering.

I am trying to have a clear head and weigh my options. As far as staying here is concerned, I'm not finding many jobs that would work. The few that pay what I need/want are quite the drive and I have to give a long term commitment. I don't feel like I can do that right now. My current boss has several irons in the fire as far as a job for him, but we aren't sure what will come of them. So I'm still in limbo. Part of me doesn't even care...a lot of me doesn't care actually.

As for a Ghana job...that too is iffy. Like I said, getting a work visa can be difficult and pricey. I can't work at the US Embassy because of conflict of interest (what ever could they mean?) and teaching jobs pay so little that I would rather volunteer (I could have a little more freedom as well). I've asked for moving quotes, though I'm still not quite ready for that. If I move to Ghana, we basically forfeit the visa. If I no longer have a home here or the means to "support" George, he won't be given a visa, so if that interview ever does come...it won't matter, we would no longer be eligible. It's so hard to think about giving up what I have here, because I have worked so hard for all of it to be OURS. All I have done over the past year and a half or more has been in consideration of US and our future. I have not made a home for me, I have made a home for the two of us. I'm just not ready to give up. At the same time I have to ask myself, how long will I say that?

I want to go to Ghana so bad. For some reason I feel like being there could get me what I want. As if I could somehow convince the embassy to give George an interview and a visa, now. I know this is not true. I would have a good time, but I would spend tons of money! Again, we are back to what's good for now may not be good for the future.

There are no simple answers. We have so many questions and so little direction.