Post-Christmas Slump

Normally there is this bizarre post-Christmas slump of sorts. The anticipation and excitement for all things Christmas has abruptly stopped and now all that's left is the mess, which isn't festive anymore, and thoughts of what the past year held (which can be hard). Ugh.

Not this year, I am excited about life and the things to come!

No doubt, 2009 has NOT been easy! It's been my most difficult year and while I could never truly explain what happened in my circumstances, relationships or in my heart, somehow, I feel like a recap would be appropriate.

I began the year sad and anxious as our immigration case had not moved at all in the 4 months it had been processing. I saw my future slipping away and no amount of success, family time, or festivities could change how I felt. My one glimmer of hope was the airline ticket I had for a very short visit...I had to wait 3 months though.

I trudged on in my job and my faith and things started to move. There were many looong weeks of waiting, followed by looong nights of filling out paperwork and paying fees, we were finally on our way!

Before I knew it, I was off to Ghana to be with my man! It was the sweetest two weeks of my life. We made more progress in the immigration department and I left Ghana with no tears, "I'll see you in a couple of months." Ghana gave me a malaria parting gift (again!) and the recovery took a bit longer than I had hoped, but soon enough I was back to myself.

Then came April 3rd. The high of the year so far: CASE COMPLETE! Soon this whole mess would be over, all we needed was an interview. My faith was renewed, God had moved. We rejoiced in this progress and rested easy in the knowledge that G would be in the States very soon.

Friends and family rejoiced with us and we were showered with wonderful things for our home and life together. Wedding plans were in the works. Then, 2 weeks became 4, became 6, became 8. The promised 8 week maximum wait had come and gone and slowly, agonizingly, we waited for that interview. Week after week our hopes were dashed. We were crushed. We continually cried out to our Father. Where was God?

In the midst of this, my parents sold our home of 12 years and we ended up (all 5 of us) living in a pretty small apartment. Soon, we all moved to our more permanent places. I was in my own apartment, waiting for my man to come any time and make it our home....7 months have passed and I'm still waiting. My haven was gone and it was time for me to truly grow up.

I trudged on, seeking God like I had never done and hoping for the best. He seemed silent.

I had everything most people would ever want and none of the stuff mattered.

My sister soon announced on the eve of a "big news" day, that her 6 month relationship was now an engagement. She would be getting married shortly, my wedding was her only roadblock. I was shocked by my strength....and then by my anger. I was inexplicably hurt beyond words. I didn't know how to pray, but I prayed anyway. Where was God?

Week after week continued to pass, our promised hope did not arrive. At least I had my work, 45+ hours a week sure did help. My church, on the other hand, didn't. They hurt me more than I knew. I wondered, where was God? And I didn't want the god they were touting...

My beloved job soon ended, I didn't know what to do. I had faith for a while, but it began to waiver. I had been calling out to God for so, so long and He did not answer me. I withdrew.

I cried a lot. I begged God to show us what to do-staying apart was killing me. What hurt more was the silence I felt so strongly from my God and the pain from "His people"- I wasn't sure what my faith had become or who I would be when all of this ended. I endured many, many hurtful comments, relationships and suggestions. Some friendships ended, but others grew.

I continued in my daze, picking up work here and there, still praying to a God I hoped actually cared. I needed more.

Our situation continued to change and become more stressful, I can't share all of it, but it wasn't easy. I wanted to give up and say goodbye to this American life forever, but I couldn't even afford to do that. The waiting continued...

I started church again and the different churches I went to started to help me. I began to find strength in the Word again and hope where I had none. I started to understand better who God is and where I fit in. My spiritual life was starting to change and mature and I was becoming me again. My anger was being stripped away. I had no assurance of what would come, but I began to believe that whatever it was, we would make it work.

George and I had a plan to be together, that got smashed too. While we were so very disappointed, we waited and tried to figure out what was next. We prayed, again. And waited some more.

October 30th, things changed. We got the long awaited interview appointment!! Words cannot describe the joy we felt...we could hardly believe it. The next 5 weeks were filled with hope, excitement, and preparation for the big arrival. It looked like God finally heard our prayers. We had faith again, we were our old selves again.

We KNEW G would be coming. All his paperwork was in order and wedding plans were being made. The interview came. It was not good. For some unknown reason, we needed more paperwork. We begged God and everyone else we knew to change the return date and bring G here for Christmas and the wedding. It didn't work. G did not make Christmas. The wedding was canceled. Our hearts were broken, again.

We felt like God had strung us along. For years we had been waiting, for months we had been waiting for that very moment. We had false hope all along, God knew, but we didn't. Then there was an attitude adjustment. We weren't going to let this small setback ruin our holidays, for us or our families. So we moved on, we mustered up some more faith and found many things to be thankful for.

Here we are again. Hoping for things to change. Anxious. Bruised. Praying. Yet we are different. We have grown and learned so much this year. God is bigger and more mysterious than He ever has been. He does great things, and allows some not so great things. He doesn't owe us an explanation.

This has been a year of growing, pain, waiting, silence and trusting. We are hoping and believing that 2010 will be a year of healing, living and learning, together. That God will continue to show Himself in our lives and that we will experience peace. We are hoping for wonderful things and mindful that much of that is in the perspective we have.

I am SO ready to close 2009 and start 2010...we'll see what happens this final and first week.