Clarification...

A lot of people are starting to worry about me right now. (More people than I realized knew or cared about our situation.) My sadness, the drop-it-like-its-hot attitude with my church, my honesty about spiritual junk food and quest to know who exactly God is, has surprisingly concerned many. Some think I am bitter and depressed, some think I am losing my faith, some think I'm about to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) altogether and some think all of those things combined are true. So here goes-I'd like to clarify a few things...

First, thank you for your concern...I think.

Secondly, let me address some of these issues. The most import being that I may be losing my faith. That my friends, is so NOT true. My God is big [and mysterious] and my faith is deep. If I lost my faith after only a few years of hardship, then it wasn't worth keeping anyway. I still believe in God, I still love God and I still believe He loves me. What I am questioning is not His existence or His saving grace. I am questioning the "junk food" things I've been given about what He does and what we get from Him. How involved is He? What exactly does "ask...seek...knock" mean? Do we present our requests to him because it's a good discipline or because He will answer us? Why does it feel like He led us here and left us with no help and very little support? Why do we experience trials and is this one of them or have I overestimated what the Christian walk "should" be? I don't think God is messed up here, I think what I have known about God may be a little off. I also know there is grace for that. I still pray...er, cry out to God all. the. time. I still hope that He is moving and doing things we don't see. I still want people to know Him and see His mighty deeds. But I'm also still stumped by His silence. I don't pretend....that's why people worry. I think maybe I say/write the things some people are afraid to acknowledge. But let me tell you, God is bigger than my questions. I've never enjoyed people who had set theologies that put God in a box. I guess I had done that too. I'm learning I don't have to know everything.

As for the church thing. I'm aware it's not healthy to isolate and that at some point I need to get reconnected with a church. I'm also too aware that "good Christians" go to church, but simply going only fools people into a false security. My church was hurtful to me (with the exeption of a few) and did more harm than good. So for now, I'm taking all the good I can get from other churches and enjoying having no one know me or my saga. One day, this will change.

Onto the bitter and/or depressed thing. I am not bitter, I am sad. I am not depressed, I am sad. I do have moments of anger-like earlier this week when Skype wouldn't work and stole $5 of my money trying to connect for an $8 call that was terrible quality. That, made me mad! I had a little outburst, and for that, I am sorry. But here's the deal, most of the good in my life has come crashing down. All of the "fingerprints of God" I once saw have disappeared. That's a hard and sad thing. I've been struggling through life without the man God has for me for years now, that's a hard thing. I would think people should be concerned if I wasn't sad...not the other way around.

Things will get better, they have to. I refuse to live this way forever. I will be strong again, I will be me, again.