The American dream: tan, thin and cynical.

This is what I've become. Over the course of our relationship I've gotten a lot darker, smaller and much more cynical. Case in point... In 2007. March 2009....I'm much darker now. ;)

Sometimes I'm afraid that that's all people see...or in this case, read. People tell me "Wow! You look great!" usually, what they mean is, "Dang! How did you lose all that weight? I bet you don't eat, and could you try to look a little happier?" It's not all about being smaller or tan, despite what our culture feeds us and despite even what our Christian friends notice (or care about) the most.

At some level I am those things, but I'd like to think I've become so much more. I'd also like to think I'm a better witness than that. I've learned a lot so far and I feel SO much older! It's weird. On good days I can see how God has grown me and changed me. I see strength, patience (hard to believe, but yes, it's in there), gratefulness, love, hope and joy. On hard days it's pretty much anger and cynicism. I am thankful that I usually have good days and I am thankful that even though my cynicism creeps in just about everyday, that too is being changed.

I've been thinking a lot about the Proverbs 31 woman and in verse 25 it says, "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." That's pretty impressive and I figure if strength and dignity are her clothing, a cynical/pissy/sarcastic laugh about the times to come wouldn't exactly fit. I want to be able to do that.

So in that spirit, here are some good things that happened today...

• I got a letter from the senator saying that he is working on my inquiry and has contacted the State Dept on my behalf...he'll get back to me. (BTW- Mr. Cornyn most definitely did not inquire on my behalf, an underpaid intern or poly-geek did...but that's beside the point).
• I got to talk to George for a really long time. :)
• My parents' 32nd anniversary is today and that's great. It also gives me hope, one day that will be George and me. :)
• Tonight Jeremy and I are having a Foyle's War date at my place, that will be fun.
• It's Thursday, which is wonderful because that means tomorrow is Friday.

Some things I never want to hear again...

"Since 9/11..."

"Just be patient..."

"Things get easier with time."

I hear these tid-bits a little too often and I'm not sure I can take it any longer! I am trying to be strong and I am trying to continue with my life without being a huge baby, but hearing these things just about pushes me over the edge. I heard back from JFK man and he talked to some friends for me, which was very nice. His response was basically the same thing I hear all the time; since 9/11....just a little more patience....surely with time...blah, blah, blah! Well let me tell you, I'm sick and tired of people opening their mouths and having nothing to say. Also, I am so sick and tired of this whole 9/11 crap. I'm aware. I know what happened and if this is what our nation is like because of that, it seems to me that the terrorists have won. I also completely appreciate people who have no clue what this is like telling me to be patient or that it will get easier. You sir, are wrong! I am trying to be patient and I have been waiting for years to have George in this country....YEARS! And no, it does not get easier, in fact, it's quite the opposite. Each day is harder. Each day holds a deeper longing and sadness than the previous day; each day the temptation to run away is greater and each day my disappointment with this country and hopelessness grows. It does not get easier. My heart is heavy. I hardly sleep, I eat because I know I should and if I don't my wedding dresses won't fit! I'm officially heart sick.

I'm not saying the government should sit up and take notice because I'm sad, but a little customer service, some real answers and oh, you know, actually doing what I've paid them to do would be nice. But more so, the empty comments, the faux sympathy....that's what I really want to stop. I don't want people to blow me off anymore or pretend like they care-if they don't know what to say they should say that. I want the "buck up" attitude to stop- I am bucking up! I'm here, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, how else does one buck up? What I really want to stop is people who pretend they know what this is like and offer emptiness, while they grumpily go home to their spouse and treat them poorly. I'd rather be ignored completely.

I didn't exactly mean to rant. Sorry. And I'm not even really mad, (I'm way past that point, it takes too much emotional energy to stay mad at everything) I'm just weary. Weary of this whole process and so ready for it to be over.

Where is the line?

It's hard sometimes to tell where the line is between trusting God and fully relying on Him and being passive while the world and opportunities (likely God given opportunities) pass you by.

That's where I was caught this week. I don't like being told no, I don't like injustice, I don't like not being in control and I most certainly do NOT like being 6,000 miles away from my love. I felt like I needed to be still and know that He is God, but I was also angry and wanted justice. I still want justice, but the anger is gone and peace, to some degree is in its place.

So after reviewing my options (there weren't many) I did take some steps forward. Remember JFK man? I sent him an e-mail about what's going on. He had no idea George still wasn't here and said he can't make any promises, but will see what he can do. It's a tad creepy, but the guy really seems to like me, so I have confidence that he will actually see what he can do. So we'll see, I don't want to get my hopes up. I also sent a letter to my senator. The last time I asked for help with a visa I was basically told they don't interfere with immigration cases and it's up to the discretion of the embassy/state dept/whatever. Things seem to have changed though and there is even a form for immigration help. So again, we'll see what happens.

I've also realized that I really do need to make the best out of my current situation. Life is still moving forward even without George here. So I've started having more people over, I'm becoming less of a satellite with church friends and am working on my cooking skills (I give PF Chang's a run for their money with my Mongolian beef and fried rice!). It's not exactly a wonderful life at the moment, but it's fine and I am blessed. I just keep looking forward, and keep praying.

Pangolins and George

Pangolins are real. George is real.

I don't know how many people know what Pangolins are, I thought they were a commonly known animal until someone informed me otherwise. Better yet, this educated friend of mine even went so far as to say..."I think you made that up Bethany." Surely an armadillo-like creature in West Africa was made up by the Texan chick. Most people haven't seen Pangolins, so they don't seem real. Well, I knew they were real AND I have seen one.

I feel like people don't always connect that George is real...just like the Pangolin. Not many of my friends have met George and though I don't think people try to be hurtful, there's an obvious attitude towards this stranger I love that seems different from attitudes towards known people. So let me tell you, George is real. He is wonderful. He is mine.

That's all I have to say.

Really?

I am so confused and sad right now. George did not get an interview. That means it will be August or LATER before he will get an interview and be able to come. My heart is broken...again. I don't know how many people have been told by the government that they can't be with the one they love, but let me tell you-it's horrible, it's worse than horrible!

I don't know what to do right now. I can't call the NVC and ask more questions because I'm crying, so aside form it being embarrassing, they wouldn't understand me. I sent an e-mail asking how long we are expected to wait, but I know that I'll only get a form letter in a week that has no real information. I also sent an e-mail to an immigration lawyer asking some questions-I have a feeling that that too will prove fruitless.

This place in life right now is just hard. George and I are going through this process because we feel the Lord had America for our immediate future (remember, we tried the whole Africa thing and felt like God wanted us here instead) as well as, we are honoring my parents. So I kind of feel like, what gives? We are walking in obedience and it's not going very well. I want nothing more than to be still and know that He is God. I want nothing more than to feel the comfort I know God has for me, but right now, it's just deep, deep sadness. I'm sad my man is not coming soon and I'm sad that I fasted and prayed my heart out and feel like He isn't listening; and then I'm sad to have such a childish attitude about God. Who am I to tell Him what is best for me? I'm a mess right now!

And on top of all of that...a mega hail storm came through last night and totally plastered my car! This is a completely terrible day!!!!!

Whew, glad I got that out. Sooner or later I will have a different outlook and will post again.

Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10

My pastor reminded the congregation this week that 'be still' literally means 'cease striving'...I'm working on that. It's hard.

Also, the King James version says, 'I will be exalted among the heathen'. No comment about where 'heathen' may apply in my particular situation.

Nothing, YET...

I called the NVC and actually spoke to someone (it was quite the process). Interviews for July have not been made yet, but they should be made this week-I was told to call back next week. The guy told me that the Accra consulate was pretty backed up and that they could not predict what the wait was or when people would get interviews (obviously, he isn't the one who schedules). So at some level, no news is good news. George could be on the list for July...I am still praying and I still have faith-I'm mindful I may need to be reminded of this though. :) Please keep praying!!!!!

Strength

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

In the past, I didn't like this verse very much because I felt it was cliche'. Mostly used by tiny private Christian schools to pump up their crappy sports teams and declare they will win games! The more I get over myself, the more I see how wonderful it is and how evident it is in my life...here's what comes before the money verse: I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

So. True.

Could this be it?

Some time in the next five days, we will get news. We will be left either feeling overjoyed or crushed...again. I have no clue what we will find out. I do know that I want to hope in God no matter what. My faith is not in the government (good thing, where would I be if I trusted in these people?!) or in the individuals who make the appointments. I am leaning on God. I am casting my cares on Him. I was thinking this week about the people around me who are going through much harder things than I am. I was wondering, how much does this matter, really, in light of people dying and suffering? But the Bible doesn't tell us to present our requests to God or cast our cares on Him only if they are huge or life threatening, and if even sparrows matter, then this does too. So I will not be discouraged and I am so thankful to have a great God who cares about my life. I am praying as earnestly as I know how to do and thinking of these verses (as well as others). Please pray with me!

Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words, Romans 8:26

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. Psalm 20:7-8

You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told. Psalm 40:5

PRAY!!

Next week is the big one. Appointments for July interviews will be made by the National Visa Center. We are praying earnestly that George is on the list. Please pray with us!

My new digs...

This is a work in progress. I broke down and bought a TV. It's too stinkin' boring and lonely to not have entertainment. I am super excited about watching movies and playing Wii! That lamp doesn't go there, I need to change up the cubbies, and there is about 6 feet of emptiness above the TV, so something will go there....but you know, work in progress.

The curtains...I am in love with them!

The living room! I need to frame the paintings, but until I do, I figure they're fine just nailed up on the wall. The angle of the pic is weird because I wanted the rug in it....the ceilings are super high!

There was a nasty, big breaker box on this wall, so I covered it with beautiful fabric that was given to me by George's mom. I like how it turned out.

Behold, the closet! I need to arrange the clothes better, but notice the matching hangers and clear plastic shoe boxes? Oh yes, I went all out!

The dining area, bathroom and bedroom are still being worked on, I'll post pics of them eventually. I can't wait to show George everything!!

An update...

So here's what's going on. After the meltdown on Wednesday and getting a grip of the fact that it will indeed be a while before we are reunited, we took a breath. Many people were praying for us and sad with us over this not so great news. And God was good. He has given us both an amazing amount of peace and strength to move forward. Thank you for your prayers, and please, keep them coming!

Since we know he won't be leaving Ghana very soon, George got a job. He is now program assistant for an NGO in Ghana that coordinates international volunteers with local needs. This job keeps him very busy, may fulfill his national service requirements, allows him to hear lots of different English (which should help when he comes) and he is free to leave whenever he gets his visa-which will hopefully be in July. We are both thankful for it.

I moved into our apartment as planned (pictures soon) and again, God gave me immense peace. It was not sad (living in a cramped and crappy apartment pre-move helped, I'm sure:) and no, the walls do not mock me that George is not here. However, it is quite the adjustment to be completely alone, especially because most of my life I have lived with not a few, but a LOT of people. I am fine though. I know George will come and I know that this is what God has for me right now. So, we keep on praying and keep on doing the things we know we are supposed to be doing. I am happy to get our home set up, it's a work in progress, but so far, I love it! I look forward to posting pics! My mom was such a huge help and blessing this weekend and I'm so glad she shared this experience with me. This is a new chapter in my life and I plan on seeing it as the adventure that it is and living to the fullest...even while I'm alone.