This move has been very, very tough on him. We have really struggled a lot over the last two weeks and I have just been begging God for wisdom and patience to parent this boy. Every little thing has been a big thing lately. I feel like M is constantly in trouble, yet the disciplining is doing no good at all. I feel anxious about going out with him because I never know if I'm going to have my super amazing sweetheart of a boy, or my strong-willed, push it to the limits boy. I've been asking George (and myself) what exactly does grace look like for Makafui? How do we parent this unique child?
From infancy, Makafui has not fit "the norm" and been a very high needs sort of kid. Typical care and parenting techniques have never really suited him. We have often been judged because of his differences and I have felt like a bad mom because I was almost always stumped by his behavior and my kid just doesn't fit the same mold that the kids around me fit.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not all bad all the time, he is so sweet and so bright and we truly do enjoy being with him. We also hear wonderful things about him from childcare and church workers. When it came to playgroups/mom groups where people would share about their kids and experiences, I was almost always the odd one out, the one with a kid who just didn't make sense, who was "crazy/aggressive/high maintenance" the one who got the nasty looks and negative comments about my parenting.
Then I met with Kristen this week and she told me about The Highly Sensitive Child. I immediately went home and started researching this. To my amazement, this is Makafui! I went to the bookstore after naptime and while they didn't have that book, they did have Parenting Your Spirited Child- I started reading it in store and by the second page I was crying. I felt so sad that I hadn't gotten this book sooner, but also relieved and not alone! I am devouring this book and just loving it! (Highly Sensitive is on its way and I'm excited for that too.)
What I'm learning is that Makafui is one of the 20ish percent of kids who is spirited/highly sensitive. His little self is just wired differently-and in a wonderful way. Basically, he takes in more of the world than an average kid/person does. He hears more, sees more, feels more! This can be very overwhelming to him at times and at other times, it just distracts him.
Recognizing this and reading the research and stories from other parents has been so eye opening and empowering. There is NOTHING wrong with him! And nothing wrong with me for having a kid like this! I'm not even finished with the first book and already feel so much better equipped to parent him and at peace about some of the behaviors I have noticed.
And that question, "What does grace look like for Makafui?" Has been answered! It looks like recognizing the differences in him, choosing to see them as a gift/blessing/something positive and being really sure that something he's doing is sin/disobedience before disciplining it. For example, taking forever to get to the car and not heeding me calling him over and over again is not necessarily disobedience. When he walks from the back door to the garage, he hears and sees 10 new things that are grabbing his attention. God made him that way! He isn't ignoring me on purpose, his little mind is just already full of other sounds and information. Grace sweetly gets on his level, in his face and tells him we can explore the backyard when we get back, but for now, we need to get to the car. Grace gives him the benefit of the doubt, understands that his "lense" is bigger and sees more-that he isn't being naughty all the time, but that he is being exactly who God made him to be. Light bulb seriously going off for me!
This isn't license for when he does sin/misbehave, but it really helps me to understand and parent him better-to rejoice in this difference and help him, rather to see his behavior as all negative. I was so heartbroken not to see this earlier, but also so thankful for an answer to prayer and to better understand my sweet boy.
I am so blessed to have these two wonderful kiddos and to have such an awesome husband to help parent them!
3 comments:
As the mom of a couple of strong willed kids, please know you are not alone! Dr. Dobson's book 'How to Raise a Strong-willed Child' and a great pediatrician were invaluable for me. I needed to learn the difference between being spirited and defiant and how to handle each behavior. Being on the other side, please know there is light at the end of the tunnel! I know you are already doing this, but consistency, consistency, consistency is key - even in the middle of the struggles and you feel like you're ready to run away from home :). Almost overnight, my oldest turned from a calm, happy, easy going 0-12 months old baby, to a super busy strong-willed toddler! A lot of tears, exhaustion and consistency later, we got a happy, joyful 3-year old. I remember some of the snide remarks - one person said it took a miracle from God to change my son, totally discounting all our hard work. My son is now 10, and no one who did not know him then believes he was ever strong willed. He is just amazing, obedient and simply a joy to parent. My youngest who was also strong willed is 5 and she is night and day different from 2 years ago. We probably deal with her strong will once a month, not like the daily battles we use to have! However, she is totally clear that we will not capitulate - though that does not stop her from trying to test the waters! All that to say, you are not alone and with tools in your toolbox, this pass.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
Oh man! I felt the same way after I read the book. It's so exciting when you get another "clue" to figuring out your kids. All those things that made me crazy when Annie was a baby/toddler/preschooler have made her a remarkable and lovely (almost) seven year old!
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