Pondering...

This has been a very hard week for me. Writing is good for me, it helps me clear my mind and articulate my thoughts, but posting isn't always good for me...we'll see how this one ends up.

I have been waiting and praying and waiting and praying. I am trusting God for His provision and reminding Him of our obedience and His own character. God hasn't shown up yet in ways we can see, but that doesn't mean He isn't moving.

Today, I seriously swallowed my pride and went to a clinic/Dr. group that takes all patients, regardless of their health insurance status. They have a sliding pay scale based on income. I LOVE my current Dr. but felt like under the circumstances, my preference was not important and I just need to have good care for Cocoapuff. This was very difficult for me because of the stigma our culture has on uninsured people. I tried to stay optimistic though and hoped for the best, I saw this as an opportunity for God to provide. I walked into the waiting room and my heart sank. It was a huge, cold, unfriendly waiting room full of desperate faces. Though this group takes insured people as well, in reality, it's a clearinghouse for the down and out. My heart broke for the people I saw, and a little for myself too. The staff was not friendly or warm, there were signs posted as if all the patients were idiots, and it seemed like a cattle call. I watched a desperate woman try to get care for her daughter while she waited for Medicaid to come through. She told the office girl that she had no money to pay, but that she was applying for sooo many jobs, "Really, I've applied for so many jobs!" It took all I had not to burst into tears. I have been thinking of her a lot lately. My health questionnaire had a lot more questions on it than normal ones do, a lot about lifestyle (and baaaad choices) I felt humiliated and judged, but I kept my sweet little baby in mind. I was finally called by a not quite friendly lady who talked way too fast and ushered into a tiny, hot office. She asked me tons of questions and looked at recent pay stubs. In the end, I was told we are not eligible for any help and make too much money for a discount, regardless of the fact that two of the jobs represented are now gone. I was then told that I could see a strange Dr. and pay approximately $300 for said Dr. to confirm I am pregnant. I said no thanks and left. I'm not sure what the purpose of today's little outing was. I felt like I was doing my part to do what will be best for us now and in the future, both health wise and financially...it didn't work. Then again, waiting on God hasn't been so great either.

I'm very confused, I'm kind of upset and I'm a little worried about what our future holds.

I visited with a concerned friend this morning. She asked me questions like, what do I expect God's provision to look like? She encouraged me to keep on keeping on and to trust in our great God.

It got me to thinking. When things get really hard, I get quiet and I retreat. I don't want to talk to people and I don't want to be too open about how hard things really are. So that leaves people worried about us and wondering what's up. So maybe I'll share a little more.

Things are hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of questions for God and He isn't answering me.

I'm a little upset that obeying God and following what we believe His plans are for us has at this point left us worse off than when we were goin' at it ourselves. That seems totally messed up to me! On the flip side, I know we aren't seeing everything. How do you live an abundant life without abundance? I'm working on that.

Are we ALWAYS going to struggle in this way? Is this a season or do I need to get used to this whole poor thing?

My husband works so hard and he's so amazing and has so much to offer. I want the best for him and the best job for him. Doesn't God see those things too?

I wish I were more naive. I have seen a lot to be as young as I am. I don't have the fresh faith that says, "Everything will be totally fine, God is BIG." I know it doesn't always work out that way, even though God is big. This past year I watched a dear and faithful, obedient missionary family suffer through months of treatment as they cried out to God for healing and then watched their little boy die. Everything was not totally fine, and sometimes, that's just how it is. God wasn't wrong to allow that to happen and didn't promise them (or anyone else) that their children would live 'til their 80s. But it sucks and it's hard and it's a suffering that will never go away for them. Why does that happen?

When I look back over this year, I know we have made the right decisions. I know George is faithfully working hard and looking for a job. I know Cocoapuff is in God's timing. I know that at some level this is where we are supposed to be. I still don't get the whole job and insurance thing though...I'm thinking the lillies of the field are one upping us at the moment.

I thought I was strong, I strive to be strong. I am not.

I love my husband so much and I'm so thankful we are together and that we are in this together. For the record, we are doing great as a couple.

Things seem to get worse everyday...I rarely get any encouragement. That makes it hard to be optimistic. However, we are still not desperate and we are still not without hope.

I love God and I know He loves us too. I am blessed by what we do have, overjoyed by the family He has placed me in and given me and glad that we do not walk alone. However, I sure am confused by Him lately!