My Baby Boy

We are just so in love with our little half cooked baby! We think about him all the time and imagine what life will be like when he is here.

Recently, he has become very active! We can both feel him wiggling around now and when he's super spunky, you can see my belly moving with him. He gets more active than usual (and in my opinion, seems to especially love it) when we read the Bible out loud-I love that!

I've never been a huge meat eater, but recently, I have an even smaller desire for meat. Maybe this baby will be a vegetarian? Haha, just kidding....my brothers would die!

I embellished a newborn size onesie with little guy's initial (Yes, we know his name! No, we aren't sharing!) it was waaaaaay harder than a 12 month onesie! Those things are tiny! Even though the tiny baby shirt isn't completely fabulous, it makes me smile every time I look at it...our cute son will wear it!

We think (but especially me, since I think too much) a lot about who this baby will be and what his life will be like. We pray for him often and pray for our parenting as well. I don't really care what our son does as a profession when he is grown, I'm not one of those people who thinks, "My son, the Dr...the lawyer...the CEO." What I do care about, a LOT, is his character and that is something that we have the power (with God's help and guidance) to shape and mold in him. Of course I want him to love the Lord, but there's more to it than that. I want him to ask hard questions and seek out the answers. I want him to be strong and tender hearted at the same time. I want him to be honest with himself and others. I want him to stand up for what he believes in and stand up for others as well. I want him to be a leader who doesn't trample or belittle. I want him to seek what God has for him and do it, regardless of the cost or what other people think about him. I want him to forgive and to ask forgiveness quickly. I want him to be creative and to use the gifts God has given him. I want him to love God's Word and hide it in his heart. I want him to marvel at God's creation. I want him to be content and to take great joy in the little things. I want him to be outgoing, without being self seeking or a story-topper. I want him to love his family dearly. I want him to be driven and hardworking, without being a workaholic. I want him to strive to do all things with excellence. I want him to be funny and to enjoy this wonderful life.

That's a lot, it may even seem like too much to put on a little baby who isn't even born yet. I don't think so though. His dad, his uncles and his Pops have these character qualities (I said them because they are men, but he's got some pretty kickin' women in his life too!)...he will have a lot of role models who love him and help us shepherd him. What a wonderful blessing!

Keep Calm & Carry On

There has been SO MUCH emotional energy flowing over the past several weeks that I might have just used up all of my emotions! I'm very much in a keep calm and carry on place.

Yesterday, I had a tough conversation with a friend. A conversation that left me feeling hurt and judged and just sad. This isn't the first time this has happened, but I had been protecting George's feelings before, so this was the first time I told him about it. And I told him aaallllll about it. He was, well, mad? hurt? I'm not sure exactly how to quantify it, but he was certainly fired up and more affected by it than I thought he would be. As we sat together holding hands and discussing what had happened, it dawned on me- we are okay. And we're going to be okay! While people's opinions and judgements hurt, they aren't necessarily true and they don't determine the future. We're not sure about the purpose of "community" since my preferred method of isolation during tough times seems prevent a lot of heartache, but we are okay nonetheless.

We know that in this moment, we are where we're supposed to be. No one else can know that but us-no one else is hearing the same thing from God and walking in our shoes, down our path. Our tough spot is not a result of a bad resume or poor interviewing skills, or any other man made, man fixable issue. I don't know why we are here, but we are. I also know, God is still listening and He is doing something!

I am constantly amazed as I read about the development of our baby and as I feel him kick and move around. Our great God came up with this! It's completely mind blowing! That is one HUGE and amazing God! Needing a job and a place to live and way to pay for medical care is a man-sized problem. God can handle it and it's not wrong of me to expect Him to do so.

I told G last night that sometimes I just want to hide out with our baby. He laughed and asked if he would come home and find me in the laundry room. That's not what I mean though-I haven't quite entered crazyville. I mean, I'm so happy to have this baby and I love him so much and he hasn't had any disappointments yet. No one has hurt his heart. "The Church" has not let him down, he has not felt the crush of God's silence. That won't last long and I want to savor it and rest in knowing that for now, he is safe from all the crap that gets hurled our way. That probably sounds silly to some of you, but it's how I feel.

Bumps in the road...

This week has started off tough (again!) but already seems to be taking a turn for the better.

I found out yesterday that I am being denied my unemployment rights. That was shocking and very upsetting to me, since obviously that money would be helpful and much needed right now. I didn't find out the reason until today. Get this- insubordination. Yes, you read that right, not signing an erroneous document (and might I mention illegal in areas) was in direct 'disobedience' to my supervisor. Blah, blah! That was NOT a fun thing to hear....this company seems to be able to keep taking pot shots at me and it kind of hurts. Things aren't over yet though....

There have been lots of little things that have been adding up to be big things and that always sucks. Lots of little bumps in the road.

Thankfully, God has put me in a great family! My husband is always so strong and so full of faith, especially when I am not. My dad seems to have the uncanny ability to know exactly when I'm having a REEEALLY hard time and always calls me at that exact moment. He won't let me stay isolated or cry alone. My mom is always there for me to text, talk or to let me come to her office and just be. And then there's my sister, if you've known me (or read this blog) for a long time you know we have had our struggles. God has grown us so much recently and it has been such a blessing. Last night, as I settled in for a night of quiet, possibly sad contemplation, I heard a knock on my door. I thought, "Oh great! Who is that?!" and snuck to the door quietly to peer through the peep-hole. Tiffany was standing there with the biggest Decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte I have ever seen! We cried a little, but then we laughed and talked and ate and laughed some more. There are several more sweet friends who are daily on their knees praying for us- they send us e-mails and texts with verses or details about how they pray. They contact people they know about jobs. And sometimes, they leave beer and burgers on our porch. I am thankful for this network of friends and family.

Not all bumps are bad bumps though! This one is by far my favorite!

We love our Cocoapuff so, so much! We are so blessed that God is growing him into our family and giving us this great, great joy! Things are looking up...

Happy Day!

Yesterday was our "Super Sono" or Anatomy Scan as the medical types like to say. It was such a huge blessing and delight for us to see our baby in the midst of this tough, tough week.

Everything checks out great! Cocoapuff is on target in growth and completely average-nothing out of the ordinary. We were so happy to hear that and then to find out that our baby is a BOY!! G is the only person who thought he was boy and he's glad that he was right! While I thought it was a girl, I was thrilled to learn he is a boy and have completely switched my thinking to 100% boy! We love our little Cocoapuff so much and it's so fun to be able think of him as our son!

Pondering...

This has been a very hard week for me. Writing is good for me, it helps me clear my mind and articulate my thoughts, but posting isn't always good for me...we'll see how this one ends up.

I have been waiting and praying and waiting and praying. I am trusting God for His provision and reminding Him of our obedience and His own character. God hasn't shown up yet in ways we can see, but that doesn't mean He isn't moving.

Today, I seriously swallowed my pride and went to a clinic/Dr. group that takes all patients, regardless of their health insurance status. They have a sliding pay scale based on income. I LOVE my current Dr. but felt like under the circumstances, my preference was not important and I just need to have good care for Cocoapuff. This was very difficult for me because of the stigma our culture has on uninsured people. I tried to stay optimistic though and hoped for the best, I saw this as an opportunity for God to provide. I walked into the waiting room and my heart sank. It was a huge, cold, unfriendly waiting room full of desperate faces. Though this group takes insured people as well, in reality, it's a clearinghouse for the down and out. My heart broke for the people I saw, and a little for myself too. The staff was not friendly or warm, there were signs posted as if all the patients were idiots, and it seemed like a cattle call. I watched a desperate woman try to get care for her daughter while she waited for Medicaid to come through. She told the office girl that she had no money to pay, but that she was applying for sooo many jobs, "Really, I've applied for so many jobs!" It took all I had not to burst into tears. I have been thinking of her a lot lately. My health questionnaire had a lot more questions on it than normal ones do, a lot about lifestyle (and baaaad choices) I felt humiliated and judged, but I kept my sweet little baby in mind. I was finally called by a not quite friendly lady who talked way too fast and ushered into a tiny, hot office. She asked me tons of questions and looked at recent pay stubs. In the end, I was told we are not eligible for any help and make too much money for a discount, regardless of the fact that two of the jobs represented are now gone. I was then told that I could see a strange Dr. and pay approximately $300 for said Dr. to confirm I am pregnant. I said no thanks and left. I'm not sure what the purpose of today's little outing was. I felt like I was doing my part to do what will be best for us now and in the future, both health wise and financially...it didn't work. Then again, waiting on God hasn't been so great either.

I'm very confused, I'm kind of upset and I'm a little worried about what our future holds.

I visited with a concerned friend this morning. She asked me questions like, what do I expect God's provision to look like? She encouraged me to keep on keeping on and to trust in our great God.

It got me to thinking. When things get really hard, I get quiet and I retreat. I don't want to talk to people and I don't want to be too open about how hard things really are. So that leaves people worried about us and wondering what's up. So maybe I'll share a little more.

Things are hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of questions for God and He isn't answering me.

I'm a little upset that obeying God and following what we believe His plans are for us has at this point left us worse off than when we were goin' at it ourselves. That seems totally messed up to me! On the flip side, I know we aren't seeing everything. How do you live an abundant life without abundance? I'm working on that.

Are we ALWAYS going to struggle in this way? Is this a season or do I need to get used to this whole poor thing?

My husband works so hard and he's so amazing and has so much to offer. I want the best for him and the best job for him. Doesn't God see those things too?

I wish I were more naive. I have seen a lot to be as young as I am. I don't have the fresh faith that says, "Everything will be totally fine, God is BIG." I know it doesn't always work out that way, even though God is big. This past year I watched a dear and faithful, obedient missionary family suffer through months of treatment as they cried out to God for healing and then watched their little boy die. Everything was not totally fine, and sometimes, that's just how it is. God wasn't wrong to allow that to happen and didn't promise them (or anyone else) that their children would live 'til their 80s. But it sucks and it's hard and it's a suffering that will never go away for them. Why does that happen?

When I look back over this year, I know we have made the right decisions. I know George is faithfully working hard and looking for a job. I know Cocoapuff is in God's timing. I know that at some level this is where we are supposed to be. I still don't get the whole job and insurance thing though...I'm thinking the lillies of the field are one upping us at the moment.

I thought I was strong, I strive to be strong. I am not.

I love my husband so much and I'm so thankful we are together and that we are in this together. For the record, we are doing great as a couple.

Things seem to get worse everyday...I rarely get any encouragement. That makes it hard to be optimistic. However, we are still not desperate and we are still not without hope.

I love God and I know He loves us too. I am blessed by what we do have, overjoyed by the family He has placed me in and given me and glad that we do not walk alone. However, I sure am confused by Him lately!

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

Ups and downs

Yesterday was a hard day for me. It seemed like every little trouble and worry we have, plus those big ones (you know, like a job and health insurance) were bearing down on me. Add in the whole pregnant thing and there were definitely tears! As usual, my husband and parents were great sources of encouragement. Though nothing has really changed, today is a better day. I am remembering and trusting in God's promises. I'm also praying that things don't get any worse before they get better!

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

Something happened...

Yesterday G found out that the job he makes the most doing and works the most hours will be closing his store. He's been given two weeks notice.

This is obviously not an easy pill to swallow. G is very concerned about our family and how he will provide for us. This news came as a serious surprise. When I found out, I wasn't too upset. I have great faith that God has an amazing plan for us and that He is going to show up soon.

That was yesterday, today is different (in comes rant). I shared this news with some people and asked for prayer. I asked for prayer only- not advice, not help, not opinions, just prayer. Sometimes people don't seem to get that all you need to do is say, "I'm here, I'm praying and God is big." That's all I want!! Instead, what I've been getting from some people are stupid suggestions that don't help us, that don't show much hope for our situation or even suggest that my husband can do or is worth having a really great job. That really hurts my feelings...and it kind of makes me mad.

We are open to what God has for us (Obviously! We're pregnant and will be living off of one part time retail job because we're "trusting"!!). But lame-a** jobs that are worse than what we currently have, make it impossible to have a real family life and have NO career growth indicate a level of desperation that we don't have. We aren't desperate because we have God. And yes, contrary to popular belief, we know how to use job searches, we know all the major companies in the area, we search constantly and we've tried it all!! Furthermore, just because X employer floods your e-mail box with their open jobs doesn't mean they are good jobs or that they are really hiring-I have a whole list of companies that fit on that list!

I don't know what we're going to do. I do know that this is not a surprise to God. Please, please pray for us!! And beware, if you give me any stupid suggestions like, "Has he tried that gas station 45 miles away? They are hiring for a night position...I think it's $8 an hour" I might just hurt you!

All sorts of things...

It's time for a Cocoapuff update and a life in general update.

Cocoapuff has "popped" as they say and I'm now sporting a little baby belly. None of my sized clothes fit-none, so I am officially into maternity clothes, even though they are a little big. Now of course I'm excited about this because it means our baby is growing and my maternity clothes are super adorable. George, on the other hand is ecstatic about the baby bump!! He enjoys pointing out how "huge" my stomach is. He LOVES to see that our baby is growing and is so excited about every little change. He tells me all the time how much he loves watching my belly grow and how fun it is when your wife is pregnant-it is truly sweet!

Now that I'm not working full time, I have gotten back to the gym regularly and I love it! I just feel better about the day when I've gone to work out, and if I reeeeally want to eat something that maybe isn't 100% healthy, I feel better about that too.

The break in the heat is a VERY welcome surprise! It only got to about 90 today and it was wonderful! I went on a long walk, opened the windows in our apartment and really enjoyed cleaning with the breeze coming in. I can't wait for Fall!!

These fires are INSANE! I feel like all of Central TX is on fire! I feel bad for the misplaced families and for the hard working firefighters. One day, I hope I can have a big house and host people who need a place to stay.

I'm really hoping that I don't have to postpone our sonogram due to the whole insurance thing...I want to know who this baby is! There are no updates on insurance coverage or jobs, but we're still keeping the faith.

Even though things aren't perfect and we certainly have some needs right now, I am really loving life! So thankful for my man and my family!!

Bye-bye health insurance!

I wasn't quite sure how long our health insurance would last. I'm sure now! We got the notification today that it ended yesterday.

Perfect timing, considering we have not only our regular prenatal appointment this month, but the much anticipated 20 week ultrasound as well!

I'm not worried...yet. Hopefully I won't get that way either.

We do however, need to figure out what the next step is. We can wait for COBRA info, hoping it's available to us and not toooo exorbitant; we can choose one of the VERY few and not great private insurance plans that includes maternity coverage; or door number three-that's God's mystery door. As of this moment, I have no clue.

Again, we know this is not a surprise to God. Please pray for wisdom and clear direction.

Update: Private health plan is a no go. We're down to hoping and waiting for COBRA and/or God's mystery door....