4 months!!!!

Whoah! Little Lady is 4 months old! This is such a fun age & I am really enjoying it, we all are.

At 4 months...

Delali is constantly smiling...like a huge, triple chin, full body smile! Makafui gets the best grins from her.

She is enamored with her Big Bro! She watches him intently, giggles at his antics & puts up with a lot from him. Makafui can make her laugh more than anyone else.

She is oh-so-dramatic!! While she's happy MOST of the time, she goes from zero to pissed in about half a second & if you take too long to tend to her, she keeps letting you know with dramatic little grunts, squeaks & sighs after you pick her up. She is such a girl!

Like Makafui, she has really great (dare I say...advanced) fine motor skills, but her gross motor are very average. She's not rolling over & doesn't seem to mind, but she's had pincer grasp down for a month now.

She found her voice this week! No longer does she just softly coo & gurgle...the girl yells! It is very funny & very loud!

She went in the church nursery for the first time today & did great! I only left her for Bible Study & brought her to service though. Baby steps. :)

She got a jumper for Christmas & I gave it to her early so I could get things done! She likes it for a while & I think will like it more as she gets older. 

This week she suddenly seems older. She plays with toys, sits well with pillows around her, is alert & chatty for longer periods of time & has so much to say! She is such a delight to all of us!

Lately...

I've been meaning to post lately & pondering on how honest & open I want to be & what I want to remember from this time in our life. My friend Kristen is always so honest in her posts & she inspires me so much & gives me hope. Maybe my honesty will do the same for someone. Regardless, I do want to remember this period in my life & the kids' lives, even though it is hard, because God is faithful.

October was a hard hard month. And now, more than half way into November, things are looking up.

After Delali was born, I was on top of the world, so happy, so grateful, so seemingly on top of things. And then, I wasn't. There was no major event, but before I knew it I was crying...a lot...all the time. I loved my kids & still just adored them, but I had a deep sadness that I couldn't shake. I was more anxious than normal, obsessive about calorie counting, exercise & my weight, there was that crying thing & on top of all that I felt very guilty & ashamed for my feelings. I had/have a wonderful life!

And then I couldn't hide it anymore. I was at my new MOPS group with people I barely knew & didn't trust & I could not stop crying. As I stood in the bathroom stall alone & helpless, I realized I was not okay. I hated that feeling!! I did not want to be weak, or fragile, or needy, or crazy, or inadequate. I did not want to be sad & felt so out of control. I was disappointed in myself & felt that other people were too. I texted my mom who was in Chicago & she called a long time family friend to come to my rescue. This friend really showed up big, she hugged me & talked me through a LOT. She took us to lunch, made sure I had a plan for the rest of my day & encouraged me to see my Dr.

I was so afraid that if I told people-especially a Dr what I was going through that they would just try to drug me up! (I'm not against mood drugs if they are truly needed, I just didn't feel like I was there & didn't want to wean Delali to go on them.) Well my Dr was amazing & didn't try to drug me up at all...she assured me I wasn't crazy or messed up & she gave me hope. We talked for a long time & her advice, plus the advice from our friend have really helped me.

Since that day in October I have changed a lot in my life. I put the scale away & stopped obsessively counting calories. I bought clothes that fit my current body. When I feel like crap about my body, I thank God for it & that it gave me my daughter-sometimes that helps. When I am having a hard day, I tell my people, instead of hide it. Makafui is now in preschool! I've started looking at things in my life that cause me undue anxiety or stress & eliminating what I can. For instance, I have a huge stash of cloth diapers that I am not using right now & that's okay! I've started to work on self care, I'm finding things I used to love & doing them again, I'm allowing myself breaks & down time...& giving myself permission to cry. I have grieved Naomi in a different way since Delali has been born, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm slowing down & savoring the good times. I'm learning to take it one day at a time & not to beat myself up. After I heard, "You're so hard on yourself!" about a dozen times, it hit me, I'm really hard on myself! 

There's been a lot of growing & learning over here. My husband has been an awesome support. As have my mom, sister & big bro. I'm feeling a lot better, much more myself & I'm so thankful for that. 

I'm doing a lot of pondering. Prayer alone was good, but it wasn't enough-I was still suffering! I'm still mulling over that...I guess that's why community is so important, but I'm not sure. Also, hormones are legit, man. And they suck. Isolation felt best in the moment, but then, maybe not so much. Our God is so faithful, yet mysterious. He is near, even when we feel completely out of control & like nothing is what we thought it was. I see His hand in helping me now, but I didn't at the time. Not struggling alone has helped me tremendously, so I guess I'm taking it to the next level & blogging about it. 

I'm okay & Im gonna be okay.

Makafui and the Legume

We have been having a bit of a hard time over here lately. On Monday I was determined to have a great day with M & do what I could to curb the meltdowns a bit. 

After much research and Pinterest roving, I decided M needed more in the way of sensory & calming play. So while Delali was napping, I grabbed a bag of Black Eyed Peas & went on the porch with Makafui. We had several different scoops  & cups & bowls & M & I were having a great time. Then he started to pour the beans over his head, which I had no problem with. Before I knew it, a bean landed in his outer ear & in the blink of an eye, he poked it into his ear canal. The magnitude of this did not hit me, like, at all!

I laid M on my bed to take a look...he was chill about me messing with him, but I knew quickly that I wouldn't be able to do anything beneficial. I called the pediatrician & they had us come right in.

We saw a Nurse Practioner (my favorite one) who took a look and couldn't see the bean because M had pushed it further into his ear on the drive over! She started poking around with the wax remover tool & Makafui was very ticklish & still pretty calm about the whole thing. Our Pediatrician came in to check on us/me & the overall feeling was still very relaxed. Delali was asleep in her car seat & I chatted happily with Makafui trying to keep everything relaxed. As the minutes crept by, M became less amused. Another nurse came in to hold a light over his ear, Delali woke up & started fussing & then another nurse came in to hold M still. 

(In hindsight, this is when everything took a turn & I should have said stop. I didn't realize what our options were, just that the NP seemed to be having success & we needed the bean out! That many people in one room was overwhelming and there was a lot going on!)

Next, a nurse took Delali to an office to soothe her so I could hold M. The NP tried a little more and the bean seemed to be coming out! In an instant, M was done, not only done, but completely hysterical.

I asked the NP what our options were and she said we'd need to go to an ENT if they couldn't get it out, but we could try water if we wanted. I got to calm down enough to ask if he wanted the bean out or if we should try again another day. He wanted it OUT! So the room cleared & then 2 nurses (including Makafui's favorite) came in with the fancy spray bottle & cup. The bean didn't budge, M became more hysterical. I called off anymore tries & held back my own tears.

We were given a list of ENT recommendations & another sweet nurse came to check on me. She asked what I wanted to do & when I responded, "Leave." She took charge. She told me to check out with Makafui & go to the car, that she would bring Delali & my stuff. She did just that & it made my day!

I could tell M was exhausted & needed to sleep! I hoped that I could drive around, he would sleep & reset & we could go to one of the ENTs & get things taken care of.

Well, it was 3:30, none of the ENTS had a spot. We did get an appointment for the next morning though.

That night M slept horribly & just needed me! I felt so bad for him & didn't mind a bit battling traffic to the Dr at 7:15 the next morning to get it out.

No dice.

M covered both ears the second we got in the exam room! The man who saw him was so kind & understanding & said if a previous attempt was traumatic (ya think?) & took more than 5 minutes, that he wouldn't try.

Our only option was to have it done at a hospital with sedation.

So today, we went to Dell Children's to have that bean removed! I was so, so nervous about the anesthesia! It took an hour to drive to the hospital this morning because of traffic-I prayed & tried not to throw up the whole way!

When we got there, M did pretty well. He didn't want the pulse-ox thing on his finger or toe & he didn't want a hospital bracelet on! We were all nervous about how he would handle being away from me for the gas & the nurse said he could get "happy juice" first. Thankfully, the fun riding toys distracted him & when it was time to back, we asked if he wanted to go be a pilot & put a mask on with his flight crew & he walked right back!

The procedure took no time at all & he was out for about 30 minutes. When he woke up, he was piiiiiissed!! I was thoroughly amused by it & just so happy that he was okay & that Black Eyed Pea was out!

M has been extremely irritable all week & seems back to his happy self this afternoon. Yay!

My dad brought over a new mask from his sleep machine on Wednesday so M could be a helicopter pilot & practice for the anesthesia...I think it helped.

Putting on a brave & happy face on the way to the hospital.

Little Dude starting to get nervous (being hungry & thirsty didn't help!).

Cool waiting room before we got in a room. I didn't take pics after this because my hands were full!

There it is! The most expensive Black Eyed Pea in Texas!!

We rewarded ourselves with a GIANT Diet Dr. Pepper for me & Sprite & French fries for M!

I'm so grateful that my mom came to help with Delali today, it allowed me to be all there for Makafui. This will all be funny one day....maybe in six months or so. For now, I'm exhausted & worried about M hating/fearing the Dr after this & how much stress his little self has been through this week. :( Time will tell. People keep telling me kids are resilient.

Sweet Baby Moments

I don't want to forget these sweet baby moments...

Delali is such a joy to us! I'm so grateful for her! We started co-sleeping recently & it has been life changing! We are all getting more sleep & that can only be a good thing. Down the road, I think we will  still try to get her in her crib, but while she's still waking a lot at night, this is a wonderful choice for us. I'm amazed at how rested we are each morning. I can only imagine how much easier life would have been had we done this with M. 

She is so smiley & loves to snuggle. Her shots yesterday are giving her a tough time, so today I'm all about the rocking chair, Jesus music on Pandora & savoring these fleeting moments.

Makafui's Turn

Makafui has been killing me lately with the stuff he says! I swear he's 2 going on 15!

Not long ago, he was Break Dancing (like legit dance moves) while my mom was over. I said, "Are you showing off?" He kept dancing while he answered, "Yeah, I'm showing off." Then he stopped, looked Gigi in the eye and said, "This is what I have to do for attention."

After getting out of bed again, George and I exclaimed, "Makafui, go. to. bed." his response? "STOP BULLING ME!" I have no idea where he heard the word bully or came to understand what it means.

I hate guns. Hate them, hate them, hate them. We let him have a very toy-ish water gun during the summer, but just called it a "squirter". Now he thinks all guns are called squirters, only he says it "skirter". I just crack up when I hear his grown up chatter that includes skirters..."Does the police car man have a skirter? Why does he have a skirter?" He still doesn't get what a gun is and I like it that way!

Delali has not gotten old yet. He is still enamored with her. I get a play by play all the time, "Mom! She opened her eyes!!" "Mom! She tooted!" "Mom! She's looking around!"

We hear a lot of, "I wanna do it all by myself." & "No! It's my turn!"

We should really be muuuuch more careful about what we say around him-he only needs to hear something once to hang onto it! The other day I sarcastically told G, "Oh lovely, our neighbor is in his kitchen with his shirt off." George responded, "So, I do the same thing." "Yeah, well the difference is, you're hot & he has man boobs." {yes, there's all kinds of wrong with that convo} Makafui heard us & before I knew it, he was singing a song about man boobs!

He loves to FaceTime! Half of the conversation he gives a nausea inducing tour of his favorite things & the other half he makes faces at himself.

He knows he is funny & loves to say, "Are you kidding me?!" because it almost always gets a laugh.

If you ask him his favorite color, he'll tell you Spider-Man.

I don't know where he got it, but the boy has picked up a little southern twang. Instead of sad or bear, he says say-ad & bay-er. Ha!

He has learned that I don't eat things with milk in them anymore & purposefully picks treats at the store that he won't have to share..."Does that one have milk, Mama?" "Yes." "Yeah, that's the one I want!"....sly look.

Since the bean incident he keeps telling me he has something in his ear. I think he's just struggling with past tense but it makes me sooooo nervous!

Not that I recommend it, but anesthesia was like a reset button for him! He was much more his old self (which we hadn't seen in weeks) afterward & preschool helped even more!

His first week at preschool was awesome for all of us! He super loves it & it loves him right back! He seems so grown up going off to preschool.

He has a vivid imagination & great memory! He loves telling stories about something that really happened (a long time ago) plus a lot of fun new details. ;)

I just bought him a bunch of new clothes & about a month in he has outgrown the pants!! He's only 2 & now wears 4T jeans & size 8 shoes. Oh my!

The last week or so has been nice. He's been his sweet, snugly, kind, funny, curious, intuitive, PRECIOUS self. I'm trying hard to just enjoy it & not be anxious that the nasty we had for the 6 weeks before will come back!

I love this boy!!!

My turn

Mostly, my posts are about the kids. So now it's time for a Me post.

I have 30 POUNDS to lose. T-H-I-R-T-Y! I didn't gain as much this pregnancy, but after I weaned M, I put on a few pounds & then when I was sick & on antibiotics for months, I put on a few more-so I started heavier but have the same "skinny" as my goal. Some days, I'm okay with that, I tell myself "Little by little, you have done it, you can do it, you will do it!" other days, I am staring at the edge of complete and total depression over it. I have 4 stretchy dresses and a pair of jeggings that fit me. I lost weight a lot faster after M and my body was just different-I could fit into my jeans much faster even though I still had a lot of weight to lose. I'm working on being grateful for an amazing body that grew this awesome human being, rather than focusing on how "fat" I am...but it is constantly on my mind. I eat for fuel, not fun. I log everything I eat & I walk or get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. I have a long road ahead.

George and I are going to a wedding in a week! It's our first date post-Delali! I am excited and nervous and a little bummed that none of my really pretty things fit me...and since I'm not drinking alcohol or eating any dairy, the food and beverage part of this event is not that awesome for me. At least George will enjoy!

G & I have watched all 5 seasons of Royal Pains on Netflix in the last 5 or 6 weeks. Sheesh! What else do you do during evening cluster feedings? We need another show to binge watch together. We did Greys Anatomy when I was pregnant w/ M & Parenthood (up to current) during bed rest w/ D. Any suggestions?

I really love being a mom, but I wish I was better at the whole package. Like I wish I could be the mom who fully parented & engaged her kids AND made homemade organic granola bars AND did awesome crafty things AND had a spotless house AND was really good at play dates AND...AND...Seasons I guess. Right now, I've got the kids covered, manage hair & makeup for myself daily & mostly have a clean house & cooked dinners. Laundry gets washed but it piles up clean. I'm a work in progress...or the Queen of Unrealistic Expectations. I get those confused sometimes. If we lived in Ghana, I would have house help.

George has wanted a King size bed since he came to America. I thought he was crazy-we aren't really big people. Now, I want one & I want it now. Ha!

I used to have a ton of really cute shoes! Now, they are all wearing out at once. I know, life is so hard, boo hoo.

If I had a lot of discretionary money and time, I would get mink eyelash extensions. Yes I would!

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. How did I not know this before?

Even though the move has been very, very hard for Makafui, I'm loving our house. I love the hardwood floors, I love that the sink has a sprayer! I love the full size fridge & dishwasher. I love, love, love the garage. I love the neighborhood & our evening walks. I love that we have windows on FOUR sides. I love the laundry room, I love our linen closet & I really love our landlady.

Even though I LOVE our house, I'm already praying for our next home. This is our 5th home since we got married & I really hope our next one will be the last one for a very, very long time! 

I'm meeting nice people at church & MOPS & in my neighborhood, but I'm having trouble forming real relationships...my MOPS group is set up differently than my last & it doesn't leave much time for fellowship. I miss my old group...a lot. People are so busy & it's hard to be vulnerable & get to know someone. I need to work on that too.

My husband is a rock star! He does not like to be made much of, but he's just awesome. He's doing so great at work & he is such a wonderful friend & support to me & he is an awesome Daddy to our kiddos. I am so blessed!

8 Weeks!

How on earth can it be 8 weeks since my little Delali-pop joined our family?? Yet again, I am late posting for her week Birthday!

Delali is doing wonderfully and growing, growing! She wants to be held a lot more recently, but I don't mind-these moments are just so fleeting. She is also now big enough that with a blanket rolled up underneath her, I can wear her in the Ergo while I go about our day. It's a win-win.

She will not go down for the night before 10. She just won't. Makafui was the same only his natural bedtime was 11!

She is smiling much more lately and it's pretty easy to make her do so. I just can't get enough of her sweet chubby cheeks, adorable double chin & cute little scrunched nose! She's just so happy!

She is especially happy and easy going in the morning and gets less so (and more needy) as the day goes on. By the time George gets home, she pretty much only wants to be held and only by me-and she cries more than she does any other time of the day. I feel bad for George, but that's the benefit of having done this before. We both know this is a short lived period of time. She enjoys being with Daddy in the morning or day time and will smile at him while I hold her in the evening, but he better not hold her!

I've gone on a few walks in the evening with just D. I enjoy it, but she only lasts about 15 minutes, so it's not quite the exercise I would like.

I'm bad about doing tummy time regularly, but when we do, she tolerates it okay. ;)

I feel so much more relaxed being a mom of a newborn/infant this time around and I am truly enjoying it-even the sleeplessness and crying/fussy times. The other day, I thought 'We really need to work on a schedule.' and then I decided, no, we do not. She has a natural rhythm that works well with our family-no need to stress us out and mess with that!

Going out & about with both kids feels pretty normal now & I'm getting pretty good at the loading/unloading thing. I've even managed to grocery shop without help twice now!

On the mommy side of things, I had a really hard time last week. I had been doing so great and feeling so wonderful since Delali came and it's like all the postpartum hormone stuff came flooding in for one really tough week! George was such a wonderful support and I am doing much better now. I feel like me again. Whew!

(Watching football...& yes I finally cut the tag off that pillow.)

6/7 Weeks

I missed the 6 week post because frankly, Makafui is stretching me...daily. In a big way. As a result, blogging has taken a back seat.

So here is what's up lately.

Delali does not tolerate dairy in my diet. So I've eliminated it (with great success for her) but it's been quite a learning curve as I didn't realize just how many things have some dairy derivative. I definitely snack less because of it.

She is giving us sweet social smiles and I love it! They are still infrequent enough that we go nuts when she flashes a big grin!

The girl is really filling out! She has fabulous cheeks and a double chin. She wears 0-3 months clothes now.

We got a double stroller recently and both kids are tolerating it quite well. If I break up our walk with a stop at the park, they do great. Otherwise D won't last more than about 20 minutes. We are really loving the walkability of our neighborhood!

Delali goes 3ish hours (ish meaning 3 or less) between feedings at night. I don't know where that glorious 4 hour stretch went, but I think I'm coping pretty well.

This sweet girl is quite the celebrity at church. People go nuts over her! I feel the same.

Makafui continues to adore her..ADORE! He just can't get enough of her and I love it. He often touches her cheeks and tells her, "I'm here, I'm here." and he tells her every day that she is so cute and he loves her. Their relationship is such a sweet blessing-especially on days that he's being a stinker to me!

These last two weeks have been a challenge, but I am so grateful for this life I have.

My Makafui

I may have mentioned a time or twenty that Makafui is kind of an intense child. He is sweet and smart and wonderful and so, so intense- in every area of his life!

This move has been very, very tough on him. We have really struggled a lot over the last two weeks and I have just been begging God for wisdom and patience to parent this boy. Every little thing has been a big thing lately. I feel like M is constantly in trouble, yet the disciplining is doing no good at all. I feel anxious about going out with him because I never know if I'm going to have my super amazing sweetheart of a boy, or my strong-willed, push it to the limits boy. I've been asking George (and myself) what exactly does grace look like for Makafui? How do we parent this unique child?

From infancy, Makafui has not fit "the norm" and been a very high needs sort of kid. Typical care and parenting techniques have never really suited him. We have often been judged because of his differences and I have felt like a bad mom because I was almost always stumped by his behavior and my kid just doesn't fit the same mold that the kids around me fit.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not all bad all the time, he is so sweet and so bright and we truly do enjoy being with him. We also hear wonderful things about him from childcare and church workers. When it came to playgroups/mom groups where people would share about their kids and experiences, I was almost always the odd one out, the one with a kid who just didn't make sense, who was "crazy/aggressive/high maintenance" the one who got the nasty looks and negative comments about my parenting.

Then I met with Kristen this week and she told me about The Highly Sensitive Child. I immediately went home and started researching this. To my amazement, this is Makafui! I went to the bookstore after naptime and while they didn't have that book, they did have Parenting Your Spirited Child- I started reading it in store and by the second page I was crying. I felt so sad that I hadn't gotten this book sooner, but also relieved and not alone! I am devouring this book and just loving it! (Highly Sensitive is on its way and I'm excited for that too.)

What I'm learning is that Makafui is one of the 20ish percent of kids who is spirited/highly sensitive. His little self is just wired differently-and in a wonderful way. Basically, he takes in more of the world than an average kid/person does. He hears more, sees more, feels more! This can be very overwhelming to him at times and at other times, it just distracts him.

Recognizing this and reading the research and stories from other parents has been so eye opening and empowering. There is NOTHING wrong with him! And nothing wrong with me for having a kid like this! I'm not even finished with the first book and already feel so much better equipped to parent him and at peace about some of the behaviors I have noticed.

And that question, "What does grace look like for Makafui?" Has been answered! It looks like recognizing the differences in him, choosing to see them as a gift/blessing/something positive and being really sure that something he's doing is sin/disobedience before disciplining it. For example, taking forever to get to the car and not heeding me calling him over and over again is not necessarily disobedience. When he walks from the back door to the garage, he hears and sees 10 new things that are grabbing his attention. God made him that way! He isn't ignoring me on purpose, his little mind is just already full of other sounds and information. Grace sweetly gets on his level, in his face and tells him we can explore the backyard when we get back, but for now, we need to get to the car. Grace gives him the benefit of the doubt, understands that his "lense" is bigger and sees more-that he isn't being naughty all the time, but that he is being exactly who God made him to be. Light bulb seriously going off for me!

This isn't license for when he does sin/misbehave, but it really helps me to understand and parent him better-to rejoice in this difference and help him, rather to see his behavior as all negative. I was so heartbroken not to see this earlier, but also so thankful for an answer to prayer and to better understand my sweet boy.

I am so blessed to have these two wonderful kiddos and to have such an awesome husband to help parent them!