Seven

I recently read this blog and aside from it making me cry, it really resonated with me and convicted me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life, how precious it is, how fleeting, the way we look at it. I was saddened when I read this blog, because I have said in my heart the thing about a miscarried baby somehow being a defect. In an effort to guard my heart during a difficult pregnancy, I devalued my own child. As if saying that to myself would somehow make the death of my baby hurt less. It wouldn't. It was a lie anyway. This child is precious, a valued and irreplaceable person. My child, regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy.

Similarly, I was at an event last weekend when someone asked a family member and I how many grandchildren my parents have. The person quickly answered, three. I wanted to answer and give that same number, but the word got stuck in my throat & my eyes started to water. Three is the answer when you don't want to cry or explain things, or get 'that look'...or worse, be dismissed. Three is the answer to keep the light social banter just that.

Three is wrong.

There are seven grandchildren. Three are already with Jesus; three here on earth, huggable and close, one in the womb. Seven people, seven lives, seven "Browns". The absence of those three, recently and not so recently lost is felt by us all. It had come in waves before, but its quite acute lately.

Seven, that's the correct number.

This Grief Thing

This has been a very intense week. I'm not even sure what to say about it, how to process everything.

I think I'm over the initial shock of losing Naomi. Then again, I was in Carter's on Friday and wanted to buy her an outfit. It took me a second to realize I couldn't do that. I remember going through similar things after we lost my Nonnie. I would look forward to telling her something or seeing her on Easter and then remember I couldn't. Mostly, a sadness has just set in. Sadness, yet hope. Sadness, but still an unwavering faith in God and His goodness-despite the fact that we can't quite wrap our heads around this.

One of the crazy things through this week was my NT scan for our growing baby. It seemed so surreal and for lack of better expression, messed up to be watching my squirming baby on a screen while mourning my baby niece. And you know, it is messed up; God didn't intend for our world to work this way...death sucks. I'm very uncomfortable right now talking about our baby during this loss. Its an odd feeling. I am still happy and protective of our little bean, but also so sensitive to the pain of Joe and Sara. Both my brother and sister in-law have told me a few times that they don't want their loss to dampen our joy and that they are looking forward to snuggling our baby. I really appreciate that and I know they mean it. I also know that emotions and grief are a strange thing and they can catch us off guard. I don't want to accidentally cause them more pain and I'm not sure what to do about that.

I think the worst thing about grieving with someone is not knowing how to help them. I am such a doer. I really want to DO SOMETHING to make this easier. I try, but I know only the Lord and time will really ease the pain.

The blessing coming out of this loss is that God is bringing healing and growth to relationships. I am so thankful for that! Loss really magnifies what you do have and petty things are more easily brushed aside. I am grateful for such a wonderful family, who like always, have rallied around in time of crisis. We are all processing and mourning Naomi in different ways, but our priority as a group is to come along side Joe and Sara and support and love on them as they heal.

God has not changed, but we are knowing Him in a different way through this. He is good and He loves us oh so much!

Naomi

On Friday, my niece, Naomi Joan entered this world still. My sister in-law Sara, has shared her story on her blog. I don't think it needs to be said, but clearly, my family is crushed by this shocking loss.

Please pray for Joe, Sara & Sophia as well as both extended families as we process this loss & walk through our grief.

Makafui 2.0

Happy Birthday Makafui!!!

Wow, this sweet boy is TWO!! I'm just so grateful for how he fills our home & lives with so much joy!

At TWO...

Makafui is very loving. He gives hugs all throughout the day and spontaneously tells me, family members, toys and Curious George that he loves them. He is starting to grasp the concept of restoration after a wrong. He quickly gives hugs to us or a friend after discipline or hurting someone and expects one if he is the one who has been wronged.

Makafui is one joyful little boy! He is smiling or laughing 90% of his waking hours! He is so happy and it just flows out into our home.

Makafui and I can actually converse. It's so great to know what serious or silly things are going on in his head. I love how he shares it. My favorite at the moment is the mini black preacher that is FULL of the SPIRIT-T-T! He just randomly and intensely prays, some days more than others. He can also finally say Jesus correctly, so it's even more adorable. I understand the majority of what he says, but sometimes he goes off in Ewe (Daddy's language) and I have no clue what he is saying! I'm not sure how much he understands either or if he is just mimicking. "BE NICE!" is a current favorite command. George laughs every. single. time. he hears Makafui say it! I'm not quite as amused.

He also has accents, but they are different accents and on different words. For instance, he says cat like a Brit, "cAHt" and he normally says car fine, but when he talks about Daddy's car, he says it, "kAh" like he's from Boston. There are others, but these are my favorite.

His memory is insane! He has not forgotten about the baby and talks about him/her a lot. He also remembers other things that we've only told him once or twice. I told him to be careful the other day because there was dog poop (gross!!!) near the car. Now, every time we go to the car he says, "Be careful Mama! Yucky dog poop! Watch out, so gross!"

He loves to learn and I love to teach him and watch him discover new things. His fine motor skills are really developing, he can thread beads onto a pipe cleaner, play dexterity type games on my phone and is getting more controlled in his coloring. He counts to 10 consistently and sometimes gets to 14 or 15. He recognizes circles, stars and triangles consistently and gets square and oval sometimes. He knows color names, but doesn't get them correct. He can sing the real words to several nursery rhymes and songs (he got this from Mommy and Gigi). He can also follow multi-step directions without missing anything. I know I am super biased, but I'm pretty impressed.

He is very sensitive to sound. He must ask, "What's that sound?" two dozen times a day or more! The sounds don't seem to bother him, he is just very in tune to them. Again, he is quick to remember a sound he has heard, like the neighbors upstairs.

On that sound spectrum, he loves music! When we listen to the radio in the car, he tells me, "This my munic (music)." or, "My song! Turn up!" His favorites are Somebody That I Used To Know, What The Fox Say, and Itsy Bitsy Spider.

He has really been getting into imaginative play lately. Every little figure he has is named Guy. I crack up every time I hear him call out for Guy. Cars and his airplane are his favorite toys right now.

His favorite foods are pizza, plain multi-grain waffles, applesauce pouches, string cheese, strawberries, apples, oranges and Pirates Booty and guacamole. He's pretty good at trying new things, but I never can guess what will be a hit and what won't.

He's sleeping through the night again, but not going down easily. He naps a few times a week.

I can't believe how much he has changed and really come into his own over this past year! we have challenging times, but overall, he is just a delight. This next year is going to be full of changes and new experiences. I pray I can be a great Mama to him as we figure out this 2 year old thing!
















 

Deeeep Breeeaaath

Yesterday, I saw my originally chosen OB (up to this point, I had been seeing the Dr. who performed my surgery). Oh my goodness, the visit could not have gone better!! First off, the nurse found the strong heartbeat on the Doppler immediately (always a bit scary at the early visits)! My Doctor really spent time with me discussing everything and was so full of peace and reassurance- I felt like for the first time in six weeks I could really take a breath!

My lifting restrictions have been removed so I can finally pick up my sweet, growing boy! I am staying on progesterone for 3 more weeks, but then I get to be back to normal! I was just so blessed by my visit and this Dr. assured me that at this point, if something were to happen, it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. He also said that my last wonderful pregnancy is the greatest indicator of what this one will be like. Whew!

I feel very relieved. Not once did I hear, "You're not out of the woods, yet." I am excited to start moving more and to get back to "normal" life. I have a sonogram on Monday and am really looking forward to seeing this Sweet Babe again.

We continue to pray for this Child's life and soul and their place in our family and this world. We are a lot less anxious in our prayers, though. Grow, Baby, GROW!!