Great Expectations.

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks G and I have shared, spiritually speaking. We have some big decisions to make (and the clock is ticking) a lot of things to consider and not a lot of clear direction. I prayed and prayed that this exact situation we're in would not happen, and here we are.

I am exhausted and not handling this quite as well as I would like, I want to "give up" but I'm not even sure what that means. Partially, it's the whole pregnancy and intense emotions thing, and partially, this is just hard and it's not my turn anymore. I used to be Miss Take Charge-I had the answers, I had a plan & I would do it. Now, it's G's turn and I'm happy for him to take the lead. It doesn't exactly make it easy though.

I wish I could adequately share how amazing he is. I wish there were the right words to say to convey what a selfless, hard working, sacrificial husband he is. I am amazed and so, so thankful.

I heard back from unemployment this week. My appeal is coming up. I got a packet with all the stuff my employer said about me. It was creepy and full of lies. It made me feel trashed all over again and mad that people like them get away with crap and treating people so terribly. It also made me immensely thankful to be out of that place. I can't wait for this aspect of yuckiness to be over.

I keep going back to how and where God was leading us...especially to that place several months ago when we were excited for this adventure and pumped to see where it lead. The direction was simple: stop trusting in a job and start fully trusting in God. We didn't have a lot more than that, but we had confidence that our God would see us through. Some days, that is easier said than done. I feel like we are in that place of trusting God where somebody turned the lights out-we aren't sure which way is what or who is with us...it's just very dark.

I've been thinking a lot about our Cocoapuff's nursery. I had hoped we would get to have one and that I would be able to prepare it before he came. I have the paint, fabric, furniture and art picked out, and let me tell you, it's a great nursery! It might be time to shelf that dream for now. It makes me sad to do that and confused, since God has given me the talent and desire to make a beautiful home, but I guess I can make a pretty Master Bedroom/Nursery too. It's certainly not the end of the world and of course he'll be in our room in the beginning regardless, but dreaming and planning toward his place was a major bright spot for me. It will be a challenge since our bedroom is small, but we'll make it work.

We had some tough blows relationally not too long ago and a lot of the words that were spoken have come back to hurt all over again...especially in regards to some of those big decisions this week. I'm trying hard to give that back to God and focus on His truths for us, instead of other people's opinions, but it's hard. It also makes me very mindful of my words. The thing about words is, you can't unhear them or take them back. I want to be very careful not to dole out hurtful words that keep coming back, or words that aren't quite true. We've had a lot of broken promises lately, a lot of hopes set high because someone told us something that wasn't true. That hurts too, a lot. Words, they're tricky.

God is a complex fellow. We've been delving into His Word and trying to better understand His character and the depth of His involvement in our lives. I don't want Him in a box and I don't want to miss out on what He has for us. I'm confused about what that is though. I know He is great and can and will do great things. I also know that bad things happen to Christians and non-Christians alike. I really love the Psalms and the ongoing story of travail and triumph over and over again! Confidence in the unfailing God and an anguish that asks where He has gone. This is life. It was life then and is life now and the same truths remain.

I feel a lot like the Psalmist lately. Some days I am a total cheerleader for God's miracles and great love for us. I can go on and on about how huge He showed up in scripture and in the lives of people I know (and our life!). I can tell you with full conviction that He doesn't need the perfect job, economy, resume or interview, but that He WILL provide and in a BIG way. And other days, I am with the Psalmist in my utter despair, saying, "How long O Lord?" On those days I can think of all the bad things that happen to people who love God and are following Him. On those days I cry like the Psalmist as well, cry to God and just cry.

Despite my emotions, despite my circumstances, despite my bad days, despite how my heart aches for my husband in a way I didn't know was possible, despite how things looks on paper, I am not giving up-we are not giving up. We have GREAT expectations! We don't know what our life will look like tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but God does. And really, that's probably the best place to be. We are fully relying on God, some days by choice and some days because He's all we've got. We love our God, even when we don't understand Him and we are truly thankful for His provision and blessings on us.

I've tried to just focus on posting good or happy or surface things, cause the deep stuff hurts. There's not a lot to share that fits in that first category right now. It's been a hard week. I am really struggling to keep my emotions in check and to keep trusting our great God. I feel like I'm being toyed with and I'm lonely. Still hoping and praying for change....

Extreme Couponing??

I've been hearing a lot about this extreme couponing thing and I would love to save money anywhere I can, so I finally caught an episode at my mom's house. Ummmm.....what?! That show is insane and I was totally in shock (I know, I'm way behind in figuring this out). Aside from the fact that there is some serious hoarding going on, no one seems to be buying ANYTHING fresh (since there aren't coupons for the great healthy things that are grown or raised on a farm)! They buy a lot of junk, like tons of soda, candy bars and unrecognizable preservative laden stuff or just empty carbs, because it has a coupon. There don't even seem to be coupons for the semi-healthy shelf stable stuff. On top of that, these people are getting money BACK from their grocery stores-that just won't work in our area, I checked! So I'll keep using coupons when I can and shopping the sales, but I will never be an extreme couponer.

What I might be though, is an extreme shopper! I love finding great deals on high quality items that I love. My very first credit card was a Banana Republic store card-I got it on my 18th Birthday. It had a low limit and could only be used at the Gap family stores. Over the years, it somehow morphed into a Visa card and the limit got higher and higher. The perk is that I still get awesome reward coupons for the money we spend, so we use it as our family card. This month, we got a reward and I was determined to make it stretch as far as possible. I checked out Old Navy and the Banana Republic and Gap factory stores, but there was nothing that I really loved for any of us. Lucky for me, there is a mall on the way home from Bible Study, so I hit up BabyGap (side note:I love BabyGap- their clothes hold up so well to washing and wearing and the retail stores seem to always have a great sale or promo going on). Total score! They were having a sale on their sale items! I got a whole bag of cute things for Cocoapuff! The original retail price for all of it was $119, they were on sale, then an additional discount was taken off, then I applied my "reward" for a grand total of $0.44! Pretty cool, huh? I may not be able to do that at the grocery store, but I'll take what I can get! Here are a few of my favorites... The mushrooms are too darn cute! I got the matching hat for this one...the hat is bigger than the outfit, just in case he has a big ol' head like his Uncle. ;)

My little Cocoapuff is gonna be so stinkin' cute wearing that!!

In other much more important news: Immigration is SENT!!!! It is out of my hands and out of my house. I feel like a weight has been lifted and am confident in the paperwork we sent. Hopefully there are no bumps in the road and everything will be processed smoothly.

Pregnant and loving it!

I love being pregnant!

I think God is so cool that He came up with this whole pregnancy thing and I am having so much fun with it! Here are some of my favorite pregnancy things...

Sleep! I have always been someone who takes a loooong time to fall asleep and then would toss and turn a lot and get woken up easily. Not anymore! I sleep like a rock! So much so, that I am just a little bit concerned about this becoming a habit and not being able to wake up with Cocoapuff. My mom assures me that won't happen. :)

Hair. Though my hair still doesn't do quite what I want it to do, it seems a lot thicker and looks better after styling longer than it did before. Who doesn't want that? So glamorous!

The belly. I'm diggin' the belly! It makes getting dressed so much more fun because you can show off your belly instead of always trying to make it look smaller.

Eating. As you know, I'm all about healthy/clean/organic eating and try to eat that way as much as possible-even before pregnancy. But NOW it's just so much more fun! I think about what foods I eat helps Cocoapuff grow and what he "likes"-so far, I much prefer salty foods rather than sweets. Maybe he's gearing up for football Sundays with the guys? The other great food side effect is that I can say, "I think Cocoapuff really want this." and POW! I get it. I try not to abuse that power. George on the other hand tries to use it as much as possible, but no matter what he says, Cocoapuff still does not want a fast food burger. Sorry Babe.

Movement. Feeling Cocoapuff move is the most amazing thing. George asked me one day if he's playing. Good question, but try not to ponder that too much. He has started moving in response to music (so far he like Jesus music and College Indie the most-funny, me too!) which I think is so cool. He seems to stick his butt out at night and that cracks me up...based on his family, this could be him practicing his editorial comments...yep, he's ahead of the curve.

So I say all that to say that this is great and I'm glad that in the midst of job, financial and immigration stress, that we have this precious baby to look forward to. I want to keep enjoying every moment and miss anything by being in a rush.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18

23 weeks, etc.

23 weeks! I can't believe how quickly time seems to be passing! I'm also happy that we have 17 more weeks to prepare for our little guy. In Cocoapuff development this week, he is growing nipples! How nice, he might look a little odd without them. :) And here's a bump update. Keep on cookin' baby!

I get to send immigration paperwork next week. Instead of feeling terrified that something bad will happen or that I'm gonna mess things up, I am feeling excited to reach this milestone and to be able to move forward! I still lay awake at night thinking of the immigration to-dos and make sure I haven't forgotten anything, but things are much more chill.

I made Cocoapuff a stuffed elephant out of Ghana fabric. Much to my surprise, it's cute! I'm excited to have time to brush up on my sewing skills. However, this pregnant thing is messing with my left brain-right brain communication. I can no longer sew by pressing buttons, I must have the pedal. I feel like such a dork!

The weather here has been really tough lately-extreme heat and drought and terrible fires. This weekend, it RAINED!!! Rain is so encouraging to me! There is a pond by our apartment that has been completely dried up for months-like cracked dirt, desert looking dried up. It made me sad every time I saw it. Now, the pond is full again! I feel so encouraged when I see it, like it somehow means we're gonna get filled up too.

Once upon a time...

G and I have been reminiscing a lot lately about when we first met and "the early days" of our relationship.

I told him all over again about when I first set eyes on him back in 2006 in Akatsi. I wanted to marry him-maybe even knew that I would. That still makes him feel pretty good about himself. :) I had no idea what would lie ahead, but even if I did, I wouldn't change anything.

We laughed at remembering the first time I took a tro-tro from Hohoe to Ho to see him-ALL BY MYSELF! For some reason, it was kind of a big deal for me. I learned for the first time though, that G's mom loving chastised him for letting me do that, which is why I didn't travel much alone beyond then. Haha!

We really laughed about the time that I had malaria and his mom gave me Martin's Liver Salts, as though it were just indigestion. For some reason that remedy didn't work.

We still feel a little bit sad when we think of the hard goodbyes we said. But we are joyful all over again when we remember his dramatic entrance to the US and how I waited and waited at the airport because I was not. leaving. without. him.

We are glad that though there were so, SO many people who had issues with my going to Ghana in the first place, that I held on to my convictions and that God made a way for us. He made a way for us then, He's made a way for us all throughout our relationship and He's making a way for us now.

What a story. We love remembering the good times...and the bad. I love that we will share this story with our kids. I love our life, even on the hard days (or maybe especially on the hard days, it seems that's when love is really put to the test) and I love that the moments we are living now will unravel into something great as well.

Deeeeeep breaths...

As you may remember, George's visa is conditional, based on our relationship and it's legitimacy. This month, we file to remove the conditions. That entails some basic paperwork, more money than I think is reasonable for someone to review the case (some biometrics at some point), and as much proof as possible that we really and truly are a loving couple and not visa fraudsters.

Well, anyone who knows us can plainly see that our relationship has absolutely nothing to do with immigration. We are in this together, forever, regardless of the country we live in or the paperwork we have to submit.

It seems so simple and non-emotional when put that way. Where was this logic at midnight last week?

Here's the kicker. We're dealing with the government. There are no rules or outlines as to how much proof is enough. And besides, how do you prove you love someone on a piece of paper? Co-mingling of property and money isn't exactly something you do because you love someone and have a legit relationship-it just happens...or doesn't on the more complicated things. Living together in and of itself doesn't prove love. A life insurance policy can be cancelled at any moment. Seriously, all these hoops and paperwork formalities don't prove a legit relationship.

It's hard to quantify things like, I will stick by his side no. matter. what. How can you notarize that he is still patient and loving even if I cry everyday over ridiculous things? (btw, it's not really everyday, it just seems that way sometimes) How do you have certified paperwork that includes things like I pick up his favorite cookies whenever I can? How can you prove you go visit someone for lunch, just because you love them and missed them over the last 5 hours? You can't easily quantify that you listen quietly to some of the most annoying "gospel" music ever because he loves it and it reminds him of home. We don't have any pictures of G surprising me by doing chores around the house or making the bed upside down. I have no documents that can attest to the fact that on most nights, when we go to bed, it takes us hours to actually go to sleep because we are talking about the day, praying for and dreaming of the future and laughing about all sorts of silly things. Those things don't transfer very well to government accepted documents.

While all of that was going through my mind, I was also thinking about all the documents we can send, and how some don't seem to be working out very well. I was thinking about how all of this is my responsibility and that if something is wrong, it's all my fault. I was thinking about how hard it was to be apart and how it might kill me to do again. I was freaking out about all the what ifs...what ifs that I will barely let myself think all the way through. And in a hormonal explosion, it all came tumbling out! I am scared.

And my sweet, sweet husband was my rock again and spent a lot of time talking me down even though he was exhausted. He asked me the hard "what if" questions, helped me work on a game plan and helped me realize that everything will be okay. I believe him.

Immigration is not fun. However, we will get through it. I'm so glad I have my man by my side!

My Baby Boy

We are just so in love with our little half cooked baby! We think about him all the time and imagine what life will be like when he is here.

Recently, he has become very active! We can both feel him wiggling around now and when he's super spunky, you can see my belly moving with him. He gets more active than usual (and in my opinion, seems to especially love it) when we read the Bible out loud-I love that!

I've never been a huge meat eater, but recently, I have an even smaller desire for meat. Maybe this baby will be a vegetarian? Haha, just kidding....my brothers would die!

I embellished a newborn size onesie with little guy's initial (Yes, we know his name! No, we aren't sharing!) it was waaaaaay harder than a 12 month onesie! Those things are tiny! Even though the tiny baby shirt isn't completely fabulous, it makes me smile every time I look at it...our cute son will wear it!

We think (but especially me, since I think too much) a lot about who this baby will be and what his life will be like. We pray for him often and pray for our parenting as well. I don't really care what our son does as a profession when he is grown, I'm not one of those people who thinks, "My son, the Dr...the lawyer...the CEO." What I do care about, a LOT, is his character and that is something that we have the power (with God's help and guidance) to shape and mold in him. Of course I want him to love the Lord, but there's more to it than that. I want him to ask hard questions and seek out the answers. I want him to be strong and tender hearted at the same time. I want him to be honest with himself and others. I want him to stand up for what he believes in and stand up for others as well. I want him to be a leader who doesn't trample or belittle. I want him to seek what God has for him and do it, regardless of the cost or what other people think about him. I want him to forgive and to ask forgiveness quickly. I want him to be creative and to use the gifts God has given him. I want him to love God's Word and hide it in his heart. I want him to marvel at God's creation. I want him to be content and to take great joy in the little things. I want him to be outgoing, without being self seeking or a story-topper. I want him to love his family dearly. I want him to be driven and hardworking, without being a workaholic. I want him to strive to do all things with excellence. I want him to be funny and to enjoy this wonderful life.

That's a lot, it may even seem like too much to put on a little baby who isn't even born yet. I don't think so though. His dad, his uncles and his Pops have these character qualities (I said them because they are men, but he's got some pretty kickin' women in his life too!)...he will have a lot of role models who love him and help us shepherd him. What a wonderful blessing!

Keep Calm & Carry On

There has been SO MUCH emotional energy flowing over the past several weeks that I might have just used up all of my emotions! I'm very much in a keep calm and carry on place.

Yesterday, I had a tough conversation with a friend. A conversation that left me feeling hurt and judged and just sad. This isn't the first time this has happened, but I had been protecting George's feelings before, so this was the first time I told him about it. And I told him aaallllll about it. He was, well, mad? hurt? I'm not sure exactly how to quantify it, but he was certainly fired up and more affected by it than I thought he would be. As we sat together holding hands and discussing what had happened, it dawned on me- we are okay. And we're going to be okay! While people's opinions and judgements hurt, they aren't necessarily true and they don't determine the future. We're not sure about the purpose of "community" since my preferred method of isolation during tough times seems prevent a lot of heartache, but we are okay nonetheless.

We know that in this moment, we are where we're supposed to be. No one else can know that but us-no one else is hearing the same thing from God and walking in our shoes, down our path. Our tough spot is not a result of a bad resume or poor interviewing skills, or any other man made, man fixable issue. I don't know why we are here, but we are. I also know, God is still listening and He is doing something!

I am constantly amazed as I read about the development of our baby and as I feel him kick and move around. Our great God came up with this! It's completely mind blowing! That is one HUGE and amazing God! Needing a job and a place to live and way to pay for medical care is a man-sized problem. God can handle it and it's not wrong of me to expect Him to do so.

I told G last night that sometimes I just want to hide out with our baby. He laughed and asked if he would come home and find me in the laundry room. That's not what I mean though-I haven't quite entered crazyville. I mean, I'm so happy to have this baby and I love him so much and he hasn't had any disappointments yet. No one has hurt his heart. "The Church" has not let him down, he has not felt the crush of God's silence. That won't last long and I want to savor it and rest in knowing that for now, he is safe from all the crap that gets hurled our way. That probably sounds silly to some of you, but it's how I feel.

Bumps in the road...

This week has started off tough (again!) but already seems to be taking a turn for the better.

I found out yesterday that I am being denied my unemployment rights. That was shocking and very upsetting to me, since obviously that money would be helpful and much needed right now. I didn't find out the reason until today. Get this- insubordination. Yes, you read that right, not signing an erroneous document (and might I mention illegal in areas) was in direct 'disobedience' to my supervisor. Blah, blah! That was NOT a fun thing to hear....this company seems to be able to keep taking pot shots at me and it kind of hurts. Things aren't over yet though....

There have been lots of little things that have been adding up to be big things and that always sucks. Lots of little bumps in the road.

Thankfully, God has put me in a great family! My husband is always so strong and so full of faith, especially when I am not. My dad seems to have the uncanny ability to know exactly when I'm having a REEEALLY hard time and always calls me at that exact moment. He won't let me stay isolated or cry alone. My mom is always there for me to text, talk or to let me come to her office and just be. And then there's my sister, if you've known me (or read this blog) for a long time you know we have had our struggles. God has grown us so much recently and it has been such a blessing. Last night, as I settled in for a night of quiet, possibly sad contemplation, I heard a knock on my door. I thought, "Oh great! Who is that?!" and snuck to the door quietly to peer through the peep-hole. Tiffany was standing there with the biggest Decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte I have ever seen! We cried a little, but then we laughed and talked and ate and laughed some more. There are several more sweet friends who are daily on their knees praying for us- they send us e-mails and texts with verses or details about how they pray. They contact people they know about jobs. And sometimes, they leave beer and burgers on our porch. I am thankful for this network of friends and family.

Not all bumps are bad bumps though! This one is by far my favorite!

We love our Cocoapuff so, so much! We are so blessed that God is growing him into our family and giving us this great, great joy! Things are looking up...

Happy Day!

Yesterday was our "Super Sono" or Anatomy Scan as the medical types like to say. It was such a huge blessing and delight for us to see our baby in the midst of this tough, tough week.

Everything checks out great! Cocoapuff is on target in growth and completely average-nothing out of the ordinary. We were so happy to hear that and then to find out that our baby is a BOY!! G is the only person who thought he was boy and he's glad that he was right! While I thought it was a girl, I was thrilled to learn he is a boy and have completely switched my thinking to 100% boy! We love our little Cocoapuff so much and it's so fun to be able think of him as our son!

Pondering...

This has been a very hard week for me. Writing is good for me, it helps me clear my mind and articulate my thoughts, but posting isn't always good for me...we'll see how this one ends up.

I have been waiting and praying and waiting and praying. I am trusting God for His provision and reminding Him of our obedience and His own character. God hasn't shown up yet in ways we can see, but that doesn't mean He isn't moving.

Today, I seriously swallowed my pride and went to a clinic/Dr. group that takes all patients, regardless of their health insurance status. They have a sliding pay scale based on income. I LOVE my current Dr. but felt like under the circumstances, my preference was not important and I just need to have good care for Cocoapuff. This was very difficult for me because of the stigma our culture has on uninsured people. I tried to stay optimistic though and hoped for the best, I saw this as an opportunity for God to provide. I walked into the waiting room and my heart sank. It was a huge, cold, unfriendly waiting room full of desperate faces. Though this group takes insured people as well, in reality, it's a clearinghouse for the down and out. My heart broke for the people I saw, and a little for myself too. The staff was not friendly or warm, there were signs posted as if all the patients were idiots, and it seemed like a cattle call. I watched a desperate woman try to get care for her daughter while she waited for Medicaid to come through. She told the office girl that she had no money to pay, but that she was applying for sooo many jobs, "Really, I've applied for so many jobs!" It took all I had not to burst into tears. I have been thinking of her a lot lately. My health questionnaire had a lot more questions on it than normal ones do, a lot about lifestyle (and baaaad choices) I felt humiliated and judged, but I kept my sweet little baby in mind. I was finally called by a not quite friendly lady who talked way too fast and ushered into a tiny, hot office. She asked me tons of questions and looked at recent pay stubs. In the end, I was told we are not eligible for any help and make too much money for a discount, regardless of the fact that two of the jobs represented are now gone. I was then told that I could see a strange Dr. and pay approximately $300 for said Dr. to confirm I am pregnant. I said no thanks and left. I'm not sure what the purpose of today's little outing was. I felt like I was doing my part to do what will be best for us now and in the future, both health wise and financially...it didn't work. Then again, waiting on God hasn't been so great either.

I'm very confused, I'm kind of upset and I'm a little worried about what our future holds.

I visited with a concerned friend this morning. She asked me questions like, what do I expect God's provision to look like? She encouraged me to keep on keeping on and to trust in our great God.

It got me to thinking. When things get really hard, I get quiet and I retreat. I don't want to talk to people and I don't want to be too open about how hard things really are. So that leaves people worried about us and wondering what's up. So maybe I'll share a little more.

Things are hard. Really, really hard. I have a lot of questions for God and He isn't answering me.

I'm a little upset that obeying God and following what we believe His plans are for us has at this point left us worse off than when we were goin' at it ourselves. That seems totally messed up to me! On the flip side, I know we aren't seeing everything. How do you live an abundant life without abundance? I'm working on that.

Are we ALWAYS going to struggle in this way? Is this a season or do I need to get used to this whole poor thing?

My husband works so hard and he's so amazing and has so much to offer. I want the best for him and the best job for him. Doesn't God see those things too?

I wish I were more naive. I have seen a lot to be as young as I am. I don't have the fresh faith that says, "Everything will be totally fine, God is BIG." I know it doesn't always work out that way, even though God is big. This past year I watched a dear and faithful, obedient missionary family suffer through months of treatment as they cried out to God for healing and then watched their little boy die. Everything was not totally fine, and sometimes, that's just how it is. God wasn't wrong to allow that to happen and didn't promise them (or anyone else) that their children would live 'til their 80s. But it sucks and it's hard and it's a suffering that will never go away for them. Why does that happen?

When I look back over this year, I know we have made the right decisions. I know George is faithfully working hard and looking for a job. I know Cocoapuff is in God's timing. I know that at some level this is where we are supposed to be. I still don't get the whole job and insurance thing though...I'm thinking the lillies of the field are one upping us at the moment.

I thought I was strong, I strive to be strong. I am not.

I love my husband so much and I'm so thankful we are together and that we are in this together. For the record, we are doing great as a couple.

Things seem to get worse everyday...I rarely get any encouragement. That makes it hard to be optimistic. However, we are still not desperate and we are still not without hope.

I love God and I know He loves us too. I am blessed by what we do have, overjoyed by the family He has placed me in and given me and glad that we do not walk alone. However, I sure am confused by Him lately!

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

Ups and downs

Yesterday was a hard day for me. It seemed like every little trouble and worry we have, plus those big ones (you know, like a job and health insurance) were bearing down on me. Add in the whole pregnant thing and there were definitely tears! As usual, my husband and parents were great sources of encouragement. Though nothing has really changed, today is a better day. I am remembering and trusting in God's promises. I'm also praying that things don't get any worse before they get better!

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

Something happened...

Yesterday G found out that the job he makes the most doing and works the most hours will be closing his store. He's been given two weeks notice.

This is obviously not an easy pill to swallow. G is very concerned about our family and how he will provide for us. This news came as a serious surprise. When I found out, I wasn't too upset. I have great faith that God has an amazing plan for us and that He is going to show up soon.

That was yesterday, today is different (in comes rant). I shared this news with some people and asked for prayer. I asked for prayer only- not advice, not help, not opinions, just prayer. Sometimes people don't seem to get that all you need to do is say, "I'm here, I'm praying and God is big." That's all I want!! Instead, what I've been getting from some people are stupid suggestions that don't help us, that don't show much hope for our situation or even suggest that my husband can do or is worth having a really great job. That really hurts my feelings...and it kind of makes me mad.

We are open to what God has for us (Obviously! We're pregnant and will be living off of one part time retail job because we're "trusting"!!). But lame-a** jobs that are worse than what we currently have, make it impossible to have a real family life and have NO career growth indicate a level of desperation that we don't have. We aren't desperate because we have God. And yes, contrary to popular belief, we know how to use job searches, we know all the major companies in the area, we search constantly and we've tried it all!! Furthermore, just because X employer floods your e-mail box with their open jobs doesn't mean they are good jobs or that they are really hiring-I have a whole list of companies that fit on that list!

I don't know what we're going to do. I do know that this is not a surprise to God. Please, please pray for us!! And beware, if you give me any stupid suggestions like, "Has he tried that gas station 45 miles away? They are hiring for a night position...I think it's $8 an hour" I might just hurt you!

All sorts of things...

It's time for a Cocoapuff update and a life in general update.

Cocoapuff has "popped" as they say and I'm now sporting a little baby belly. None of my sized clothes fit-none, so I am officially into maternity clothes, even though they are a little big. Now of course I'm excited about this because it means our baby is growing and my maternity clothes are super adorable. George, on the other hand is ecstatic about the baby bump!! He enjoys pointing out how "huge" my stomach is. He LOVES to see that our baby is growing and is so excited about every little change. He tells me all the time how much he loves watching my belly grow and how fun it is when your wife is pregnant-it is truly sweet!

Now that I'm not working full time, I have gotten back to the gym regularly and I love it! I just feel better about the day when I've gone to work out, and if I reeeeally want to eat something that maybe isn't 100% healthy, I feel better about that too.

The break in the heat is a VERY welcome surprise! It only got to about 90 today and it was wonderful! I went on a long walk, opened the windows in our apartment and really enjoyed cleaning with the breeze coming in. I can't wait for Fall!!

These fires are INSANE! I feel like all of Central TX is on fire! I feel bad for the misplaced families and for the hard working firefighters. One day, I hope I can have a big house and host people who need a place to stay.

I'm really hoping that I don't have to postpone our sonogram due to the whole insurance thing...I want to know who this baby is! There are no updates on insurance coverage or jobs, but we're still keeping the faith.

Even though things aren't perfect and we certainly have some needs right now, I am really loving life! So thankful for my man and my family!!

Bye-bye health insurance!

I wasn't quite sure how long our health insurance would last. I'm sure now! We got the notification today that it ended yesterday.

Perfect timing, considering we have not only our regular prenatal appointment this month, but the much anticipated 20 week ultrasound as well!

I'm not worried...yet. Hopefully I won't get that way either.

We do however, need to figure out what the next step is. We can wait for COBRA info, hoping it's available to us and not toooo exorbitant; we can choose one of the VERY few and not great private insurance plans that includes maternity coverage; or door number three-that's God's mystery door. As of this moment, I have no clue.

Again, we know this is not a surprise to God. Please pray for wisdom and clear direction.

Update: Private health plan is a no go. We're down to hoping and waiting for COBRA and/or God's mystery door....

Now that I'm fired, I have more time to blog.

I'm a thinker. I mull over things a lot and just think about things. Things I have observed, people I know, hopes for the future.. Whatever, but I'm always thinking. Now that I don't have a job, I have a little more time to post about what I'm thinking. Here is some of what circles around in my mind.

One thing I have never liked about the Christians I see a lot (and have known) is the whole yuppy thing. Their lives have been completely self created and God fits in a box on Sunday mornings. I have NEVER wanted a life like that! Lucky me, I got what I wanted...on my knees DAILY because only God can help us now! In all seriousness though, that's how I want it to be. People may think we are crazy for just "trusting in Him" and having a baby while in the midst of job issues and not really knowing where we'll live when baby comes, blah, blah, blah, but I don't want a self-created life...it's why I have a relationship with the Creator. I have every confidence that we're going to be okay and our God is going to take care of us.

There's a difference between suffering and going through hard things and b*tching and moaning about EVERYTHING "...for the sake of the cross." I used to know someone who whined about absolutely EVERYTHING-I'm not even exaggerating and she would always add the tag line that whatever she was going through was "...suuuuuch a sanctification process." Seriously. Cleaning her huge, gorgeous house was a sanctification process, taking care of her children was a sanctification process, getting the oil changed on her new car was a sanctification process. You get the point. I really don't want to be that person (but of course, we all have our days!). It got me to thinking; if everything in your life-including the amazing blessings is something to complain about, what does that say about how great you are and sucky God must be doing at His job? Furthermore, when things are truly hard, why can't we just say so? I always left conversations with this woman feeling kinda slimed and down and it really damaged the whole Christian witness thing. I DO NOT want to be like that! Sometimes, I catch myself mid-conversation and have to back track like crazy!

Also, let me just say how extremely blessed and overjoyed I am that God answered my prayers and removed me from that awful, awful job! I am just in awe and am so grateful everyday. I am happy, I feel like Cocoapuff and I are healthier and I'm full of faith. I will admit that I thought the answer to our prayers would be more along the lines of G getting a job and me resigning, but I'll take this too! God answered us and He is moving! As for how insurance is going to work out, that's just a detail and I know God's got it covered.

Nice try, still not shaken...

I'm still processing what happened yesterday, but I wanted to share and ask for more prayers!! We see God moving in BIG ways and we're asking Him for more!!!

So here's the deal. I had a meeting with my boss yesterday. I was asked to sign a document that was highly subjective and would make it where I was written up for just about everything. When I say just about everything, that includes having to asking a manager (who may or may not be found since they leave for hours on end) permission to use the employee bathroom. If I left the sales floor to go to the employee bathroom without permission, that would be a write up. I was also to promise to "be more productive" which could mean anything, literally anything. In addition, even after telling them that I'm pregnant, I was informed I'd be written up for using anymore of MY sick time (sick time which has no rules, btw). I saw this document as discriminatory and as trap to write me up tons of times and then fire me with a paper trail. I wouldn't sign it. So he fired me.

You might think this, combined with the job rejection for G on Monday could send us spiraling in to the depths of despair. Nope. Our God is BIG! He is doing BIG things. We don't know what the next few weeks and months will hold, what we do know is that God is watching, listening and loving us through all of it. Our friends and family have really rallied around us and are constantly supporting us. My dad told me this week that "Family was designed to help us see God when circumstances make it hard otherwise. Loved ones, by the Spirit's prompting, become the fingerprints of the hard to see God." I agree! Here are some of those fingerprints they have shared with us...

Matthew 6:34, Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

John 16:33, "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. - Isaiah 40:28

‎1 Corinthians 13:12 tells us that now we see things dimly, as in a mirror, but someday we will see clearly and understand how God answered our prayers.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight* Proverbs 3:5-6

Psalm 66 19 but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. 20 Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. Psalm 20:7-8

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

We've been reminded of Joseph and how even his slavery had a GREAT purpose. We've been reminded of Moses and his arms being supported by his friends so that the battle would be won.

We may have just lost an income, but we are RICH! Thank you to everyone who is loving and praying and supporting us through this-keep it up! We believe our God is great, we believe He has a plan for us!

Please pray specifically for wisdom and clear direction over the next few weeks. We have a lot to sort through and some big decisions to make. And of course, we keep praying for THE JOB for George. :)

Walking by faith...

We are SO THRILLED to be having a baby and are really excited to see where God continues to take us. It’s been such a faith walk already! I think faith stories are really important, important for those around us and important to share with the generations to come. For me, I love to hear other people’s faith story because it reminds me and encourages me that God is still moving and doing BIG things!!

God is certainly doing big things for us! There have definitely been some tough spots for us, but God has still been there all along. Today is a tough spot, so while reminding myself how far we have come, I want to share with others.

George and I have wanted children all along and we hoped and prayed that that would be in God’s plan for us. Somewhere along the way though, our mentality changed and it wasn’t about God’s plan for us anymore…it was about money and career jobs and what made sense (and maybe, even a little about what people would think of us). We found ourselves yearning for children, but saying “We can’t have kids, not until G has a career job.” We had completely put our faith and hope for a family on a job! God wasn’t a part of it all. God started working on our hearts and convicting us that He was the giver of children…and jobs…and provision.

We both knew what God was saying to us and took the huge leap of faith and obedience to truly trust in Him for our family and provision. It was exciting and a little scary all at once, but we were full of peace and completely on the same page that this is how God was leading us. I knew that if God had a baby for us, that He would provide for us too (I still believe that, but need reminded every now and then).

Though I had faith, I still felt a little jaded about other things in our life. Somewhere inside of me, I though God would tease us and that we would wait FOREVER for a baby…I was assuming at least 18 months. When it didn’t take that long, we were SHOCKED and SO, SO EXCITED!!! We loved this baby instantly and were thrilled to see how God would show up. I decided I would stay at [Stupid Baby Company] until Cocoapuff came since that’s where we had our insurance. It made things better…until my boss called me in and basically said I’d be fired (which he later back pedaled on, but didn’t tell me). That made things worse. It changed the work environment even more and added a lot of stress. Each day was and has been sooooooo hard and I just want to stay home (or run away crying, but that may have more to do with this whole raging hormones thing)! I don’t feel like it would be right to take another full-time in demand job knowing I will quit in just a few months. That just seems wrong to the company spending the time and money to hire and train someone and wrong to the possibly long term employee I’d be beating out of the position. Oh, and it's not like good full time jobs with benefits are exactly easy to find! I feel very stuck and some days God feels oh so far away!

George continues searching for jobs faithfully and working 2 retail jobs, 6 days a week. We had SO MUCH hope when he had a second interview...we could see our future stretched before us and it was goooooood! Today, George heard that he did not get that job.

As faith walks tend to be, there are ups and downs. Some days are super hard and there isn’t much faith to go around. Today was one of those days.

But things changed. Our loving family and friends have rallied around us and supported us with prayer, scripture and encouragement. I am so glad we don't walk this path alone!!

We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God does have a plan for us-we also know that may mean even more painful waiting, and that part sucks!! The other thing we KNOW is that our sweet little Cocoapuff fits perfectly in God's timing. God has placed him/her in our family right now and in this world for a time and purpose. Not once have we second guessed or worried about adding a baby to the mix. Not once have we been sad or anxious about our Cocoapuff. The job part, now that's another story!

So the faith walk continues. God will show up. God is showing up...I just want the job part to be here now! Until then, we keep praying, hoping and walking by faith...we are a work in progress and so is our story.

If you have more encouragement and scripture to pour out on us, feel free!