Great Expectations.

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks G and I have shared, spiritually speaking. We have some big decisions to make (and the clock is ticking) a lot of things to consider and not a lot of clear direction. I prayed and prayed that this exact situation we're in would not happen, and here we are.

I am exhausted and not handling this quite as well as I would like, I want to "give up" but I'm not even sure what that means. Partially, it's the whole pregnancy and intense emotions thing, and partially, this is just hard and it's not my turn anymore. I used to be Miss Take Charge-I had the answers, I had a plan & I would do it. Now, it's G's turn and I'm happy for him to take the lead. It doesn't exactly make it easy though.

I wish I could adequately share how amazing he is. I wish there were the right words to say to convey what a selfless, hard working, sacrificial husband he is. I am amazed and so, so thankful.

I heard back from unemployment this week. My appeal is coming up. I got a packet with all the stuff my employer said about me. It was creepy and full of lies. It made me feel trashed all over again and mad that people like them get away with crap and treating people so terribly. It also made me immensely thankful to be out of that place. I can't wait for this aspect of yuckiness to be over.

I keep going back to how and where God was leading us...especially to that place several months ago when we were excited for this adventure and pumped to see where it lead. The direction was simple: stop trusting in a job and start fully trusting in God. We didn't have a lot more than that, but we had confidence that our God would see us through. Some days, that is easier said than done. I feel like we are in that place of trusting God where somebody turned the lights out-we aren't sure which way is what or who is with us...it's just very dark.

I've been thinking a lot about our Cocoapuff's nursery. I had hoped we would get to have one and that I would be able to prepare it before he came. I have the paint, fabric, furniture and art picked out, and let me tell you, it's a great nursery! It might be time to shelf that dream for now. It makes me sad to do that and confused, since God has given me the talent and desire to make a beautiful home, but I guess I can make a pretty Master Bedroom/Nursery too. It's certainly not the end of the world and of course he'll be in our room in the beginning regardless, but dreaming and planning toward his place was a major bright spot for me. It will be a challenge since our bedroom is small, but we'll make it work.

We had some tough blows relationally not too long ago and a lot of the words that were spoken have come back to hurt all over again...especially in regards to some of those big decisions this week. I'm trying hard to give that back to God and focus on His truths for us, instead of other people's opinions, but it's hard. It also makes me very mindful of my words. The thing about words is, you can't unhear them or take them back. I want to be very careful not to dole out hurtful words that keep coming back, or words that aren't quite true. We've had a lot of broken promises lately, a lot of hopes set high because someone told us something that wasn't true. That hurts too, a lot. Words, they're tricky.

God is a complex fellow. We've been delving into His Word and trying to better understand His character and the depth of His involvement in our lives. I don't want Him in a box and I don't want to miss out on what He has for us. I'm confused about what that is though. I know He is great and can and will do great things. I also know that bad things happen to Christians and non-Christians alike. I really love the Psalms and the ongoing story of travail and triumph over and over again! Confidence in the unfailing God and an anguish that asks where He has gone. This is life. It was life then and is life now and the same truths remain.

I feel a lot like the Psalmist lately. Some days I am a total cheerleader for God's miracles and great love for us. I can go on and on about how huge He showed up in scripture and in the lives of people I know (and our life!). I can tell you with full conviction that He doesn't need the perfect job, economy, resume or interview, but that He WILL provide and in a BIG way. And other days, I am with the Psalmist in my utter despair, saying, "How long O Lord?" On those days I can think of all the bad things that happen to people who love God and are following Him. On those days I cry like the Psalmist as well, cry to God and just cry.

Despite my emotions, despite my circumstances, despite my bad days, despite how my heart aches for my husband in a way I didn't know was possible, despite how things looks on paper, I am not giving up-we are not giving up. We have GREAT expectations! We don't know what our life will look like tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but God does. And really, that's probably the best place to be. We are fully relying on God, some days by choice and some days because He's all we've got. We love our God, even when we don't understand Him and we are truly thankful for His provision and blessings on us.