October was a hard hard month. And now, more than half way into November, things are looking up.
After Delali was born, I was on top of the world, so happy, so grateful, so seemingly on top of things. And then, I wasn't. There was no major event, but before I knew it I was crying...a lot...all the time. I loved my kids & still just adored them, but I had a deep sadness that I couldn't shake. I was more anxious than normal, obsessive about calorie counting, exercise & my weight, there was that crying thing & on top of all that I felt very guilty & ashamed for my feelings. I had/have a wonderful life!
And then I couldn't hide it anymore. I was at my new MOPS group with people I barely knew & didn't trust & I could not stop crying. As I stood in the bathroom stall alone & helpless, I realized I was not okay. I hated that feeling!! I did not want to be weak, or fragile, or needy, or crazy, or inadequate. I did not want to be sad & felt so out of control. I was disappointed in myself & felt that other people were too. I texted my mom who was in Chicago & she called a long time family friend to come to my rescue. This friend really showed up big, she hugged me & talked me through a LOT. She took us to lunch, made sure I had a plan for the rest of my day & encouraged me to see my Dr.
I was so afraid that if I told people-especially a Dr what I was going through that they would just try to drug me up! (I'm not against mood drugs if they are truly needed, I just didn't feel like I was there & didn't want to wean Delali to go on them.) Well my Dr was amazing & didn't try to drug me up at all...she assured me I wasn't crazy or messed up & she gave me hope. We talked for a long time & her advice, plus the advice from our friend have really helped me.
Since that day in October I have changed a lot in my life. I put the scale away & stopped obsessively counting calories. I bought clothes that fit my current body. When I feel like crap about my body, I thank God for it & that it gave me my daughter-sometimes that helps. When I am having a hard day, I tell my people, instead of hide it. Makafui is now in preschool! I've started looking at things in my life that cause me undue anxiety or stress & eliminating what I can. For instance, I have a huge stash of cloth diapers that I am not using right now & that's okay! I've started to work on self care, I'm finding things I used to love & doing them again, I'm allowing myself breaks & down time...& giving myself permission to cry. I have grieved Naomi in a different way since Delali has been born, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm slowing down & savoring the good times. I'm learning to take it one day at a time & not to beat myself up. After I heard, "You're so hard on yourself!" about a dozen times, it hit me, I'm really hard on myself!
There's been a lot of growing & learning over here. My husband has been an awesome support. As have my mom, sister & big bro. I'm feeling a lot better, much more myself & I'm so thankful for that.
I'm doing a lot of pondering. Prayer alone was good, but it wasn't enough-I was still suffering! I'm still mulling over that...I guess that's why community is so important, but I'm not sure. Also, hormones are legit, man. And they suck. Isolation felt best in the moment, but then, maybe not so much. Our God is so faithful, yet mysterious. He is near, even when we feel completely out of control & like nothing is what we thought it was. I see His hand in helping me now, but I didn't at the time. Not struggling alone has helped me tremendously, so I guess I'm taking it to the next level & blogging about it.
I'm okay & Im gonna be okay.
