Life Update

It's been a while since I've done a real update!

Makafui is growing and changing so much lately! Most of the time, he is a total delight and a lot of fun to be with. Each day that passes, I feel more relaxed about the spacing of our kids and that 2 1/2 years is perfect for us.

The boy talks up a storm! Some of my favorites lately...

"Mommy, I know you hear dis noise." In nap time, while not sleeping.
"I'm having an idea!"
"Stop the CAR!!"
"I need an egg. in. my. body." After telling him we needed to get some protein.
"I don't wanna poop on my bath."
"Mommy, don't be mean to me."
"Mommy's name Beffany Zalltay."
"I was awake in da night for da tunder. IT WON'T HURT YOU!"
"Can we go Chicken-Lay? I needa go Chicken-Lay."
"That's where Makafui BERRRRN!!!" He screams this every time we drive past the hospital.
"Daddy has back ears, Mommy has lellow."

Over the last couple of weeks it came to his attention that everyone has a real name. He learned my name, Daddy's, Gigi's and Pops'. He loves to mention the names and try them out on himself, "My name is Tchwwyyyyla!" He also asks the name of random animals, like the turtles and beavers in the pond nearby.

He really enjoys carrying on conversations with me, or anyone who will listen. His imagination has recently really blossomed and I love listening to him play and tell stories. Lately, he needs to "go to job for 10 minutes", he drives an airplane, so he is very important.

It's been really fun to ask him about his time at the Y or church and hear the names of his friends, the toys he played with and some of what he did. He is also good at telling me any bad things that happened, like when someone yelled at him. :(

He often wants to know who is going to be wherever we are going. He will go through the list of ALL of his family members, asking, "Is Fia gonna be dare? Is Kimmy gonna be dare?" and on and on...it can take a while to get through everyone. He never forgets anyone!

Whenever one of his cars is "Pops" they go to Costco. He asks to go to Costco with Pops just about everyday.

He has a bunny he plays with in the car who is very rude, Makafui is always telling me that the bunny tooted on him, then he has to put the bunny in timeout.

Most of his animal toys or dinosaurs "bite" him. He gets a kick out of telling them no and putting them in timeout. He is a very strict disciplinarian.

He recently got some toddler LEGO blocks and constantly asks me to build really involved things, like a helicopter, or school bus, or fire truck fighting a fire. Geez. How 'bout we build a tower?

He has been talking a lot about his sister and wants her to come out and walk. He is quick to notice babies wherever we go and likes to point out and talk about her things (that are piling up around here!).

On the baby front, things are going great! I am hot and fat and tired, but doing well. ;) She is growing right on target and everything seems to be going great!

I had a WONDERFUL shower this weekend thrown by my sisters and was completely blessed and overwhelmed by the love poured out to our Sweet Girl. It touched me so much and I had a great time!!

After talking to my Dr. this past week (and more things changing for him) I found out that I can deliver at another hospital AND keep him! George and I toured the hospital yesterday and felt really good about it! The Labor and Delivery room is huge and gorgeous, they don't even have a well baby nursery so our daughter will stay with me the entire time, they have a NICU-just in case, they support natural childbirth and I could go on and on. I felt soooo much better about the delivery and am really excited for it.

I told George the other night, "We have niiiiiine more weeks before her due date!" His response was, "Only NINE weeks!?" Time must pass differently when you aren't the one growing the baby. I am ready for August. On the other hand, I am really trying to savor my time with Makafui as just the two of us. Aaaaand, we still aren't quite ready for her, so I guess it's a good thing we have so much time. ;)

Work is going great for G and we are still so thankful for such a wonderful company!

We have been visiting a church close to where we'll be moving (though still don't know the exact place we'll live) and are really enjoying it. Makafui LOVES the nursery and asks if we can go to church nearly every day. We have tried a Sunday School class and are looking forward to getting to know people. I am on the waiting list and hope to get into their MOPS group and they have a Bible Study during the week as well. I think it will be good for us.

World Cup is a pretty huge deal around here. M loves yelling GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL, and randomly screaming "Off side!" G loves watching (and re-watching) the games, and I just love the nostalgia and all the fun that goes with it.

Here's to our final summer as a family of 3! :) Next post will have pics, promise!

Change in Plans

At my 28 week check-up this week, I learned that the AMAZING Labor and Delivery department at the hospital where M was born, the very hospital I was so excited to have this baby in, is CLOSING!!!

Wait, what?

A big medical group imploded financially, laid off a ton of people and closed their OB clinic, which basically leaves my Dr. as the only OB at the hospital. So while the hospital recruits and revamps, they are just closing L&D for the next 6-8 months.

This means we have to go to a different a hospital. :(

Maybe I am a super control freak or maybe all moms feel this way, but I am way bummed about this. I loved my experience with the hospital where M was born! I was looking forward to having that again. To knowing what was going to happen and what is considered normal there. On top of that, the hospital was state of the art, had all the bells and whistles, was very forward thinking in terms of pro-mother/baby care, is award winning and nationally recognized for safety....I could go on and on. I love that place.

George and I toured the "new" hospital yesterday. It was quaint. My biggest concern (that they take baby after birth and shuffle them to a nursery for "assessments"  like 1982) was put to rest; thankfully, they do everything in room. Other things I noticed started to sink in later, like as I was going to bed and having a little cry about it. Things like, there are no bells and whistles, at all. The rooms are pretty small. The equipment seems dated. There is no real NICU, just some baby warmers.

I'm still wrapping my head around this change in plans and thinking about what other options I have. I realize, many of the things are just fluff, fluff I won't care about with babe in arms. And yes, this is suuuuch a First World problem. This second though, it matters to me...a lot.

I was never really in control of this birth, I just thought I had more control since there was some familiarity to it. Time for more trusting, more letting go.

Third Trimester!!

I have really sucked at documenting this pregnancy, so here goes, what's up as I enter the 3rd Trimester!

-I feel GREAT! I had some breathing problems a few weeks ago, but it was just an unfortunate combination of allergies and pregnancy. Thankfully, we are past that!

-I'm working out everyday and really loving the extra energy I'm getting from it and how strong I feel this go around. I plan to keep at it right up until delivery.

-I am still sleeping well-woohoo!

-I was doing great at keeping the indulgences to a minimum....until I discovered the best chocolate croissant in town! Oh. My. Gosh. I have gone to the bakery to get one twice this week. Must stop.

-I am loving this little break in the weather! I swell up when it gets hot (NOT something I experienced with Makafui) and am mentally preparing myself for a summer of looking like the Michelin Man...only, hopefully a tan version.

-Makafui has named this baby Pax. It cracks me up! That is not her name and I don't know where he got it from, but I love it and I really love that it means peace.

-This little girl has gotten very active and I feel her consistently throughout the day now, rather than just in the evening. She is definitely not as strong as M was at this point, which I will take! Her movements are very sweet and reassuring, rather than painful. I can't tell what body part is violently hitting me, like I could with M or figure out what position she hangs out in most of the time. Maybe this means she will be less intense all-around. ;)

-I'm beginning to prep her nursery, but feel like I have a LOT to do to get ready for her. Good thing I have 3 more months!

-I have been reading like crazy and preparing for this Little Lady's birth. I am planning epidural-free again, but definitely don't want a repeat of Makafui's birth. I felt like I just survived his birth, not that I did well or was empowered or really anything positive. I just made it through. I want a more peaceful experience this time and I want to feel accomplished and empowered and more calm about the whole thing. I am praying a lot about this!

-Most of the time, I feel really good about where Makafui is as far as being prepared for a new sibling. I am reading and praying a lot about this too!

-I am feeling so so blessed and overjoyed that we get to have another sweet babe. I am very excited about what our family is going to look like and getting to know another kid. I think a lot about what she will be like and how our family will change. Not being a first timer anymore, I know it will be a challenge, but even more so, I know what a huge blessing she will be to me and my family.

-27 weeks down, about 13 to go!

Home is what you make it...

"See you later, my home!" Makafui calls out something along those lines each morning when we drive out of our complex.

It does my heart good to hear him say that. I've been mulling a lot lately about home, wants, needs, entitlement.

God has been so kind to gently lead me and grow me and teach me. We have (and I especially) have gone through phases over the past few years, that the "need" for a house was so great that I could barely think of anything else. I allowed influences around me, whether it be our culture at large and the quest for The American Dream, or be it people in my life who wore me down and belittled me with comments about when I would EVER get a house, or how terrible it would be if they had to have children in an apartment! I allowed myself to somehow feel less-or like my life was greatly lacking because of the absence of a mortgage.

That's just not true anymore. God has given me contentment and joy in our life just as it is. I am able to see all the good things about living in an apartment, before I see any of the bad. Such as, we have a maintenance team! I got touch-up paint, a new microwave touch panel and a towel bar re-hung this week and all it took was a few clicks on a website. I don't have to pay to water grass! My electric bill last month was $36. And when G's job changed and we need to live clear across town, we just wait for our lease to be up and pick a different place, that simple.

Would I like to have a garage and yard? Yes. But that is most certainly a want and not a need. And there were times that that want, which started out as a good thing, turned into that really, really ugly thing...entitlement. Yuck.

Just 6 months ago, I said in my heart, I am NOT living in an apartment anymore! We need a yard, we need a garage, we need to be free from loud neighbors! I am so glad that our God is so kind and lovingly worked on my heart. I don't feel that way anymore. In fact, I'm apartment hunting for our move after the baby. Some more time to figure out where we want to live, to be in control of our finances, rather than have them be in control of us, and flexibility to change our minds after a year or two sounds just perfect.

Home is not a mortgage, or a yard, or a garage. Home is what you make it. I am very grateful to have the family I do and the beautiful home we are creating together.

Smiling at the future

This weekend we said farewell to our car, Killer. It was a little bittersweet as I thought of all the memories wrapped up in that car. It was more sweet than bitter though, as Killer was entering that stage of life in a car known as the Black Hole of Death. It was definitely time to go!!



M had fun playing in it one last time.





So what did we get to replace that gem?

Nothing.

...for now.

God is just so nice to us. Literally the morning before we discovered Killer was a goner, G & I were marveling with one another at how blessed we are & how faithful God is in big & small. We truly have a wonderful life. We had just said that if our only problem in life was not knowing where we would be moving in a few months, that we had no problems at all! The same is true when we're down a car.

I love the verse in Proverbs 31 where it says, She is clothed in strength & dignity & smiles at the future (or laughs without fear of the future). I so want to be that woman!

My problem is, I look way too far into the future! After going around and around, we decided that we have other priorities than to get a new car RIGHT NOW. We realized that for the immediate future, things are covered. And that's all we need to worry about, isn't it?

My mom has been so generous to share her car with us & it is a great solution for the next few months. We swing by her house & take her to work in the morning, then go about our day & pick her up at 4:30. Having a late afternoon errand has actually been really nice to help fill those final hours before daddy comes home. :) And did I mention Makafui is obsessed with Gigi's car?

For the moment, we are smiling at the future, coping with the change & trusting that when the time is right, God will provide what is perfect for us. Because He always does.

Half Way There!!

20 WEEKS!!

Woohoo! Today was our anatomy scan, the baby checks out great, completely average, aaaaaaaaand.....

IT'S A GIRL!!!

I just KNEW this baby was a girl! I loved seeing her for the scan and it was fun to compare how different she and Makafui were. She had her body folded in half with feet up at her face and kept sucking on her toes (so. flippin. adorable.) whereas M was super stretched out and never seemed to curl up like that until he just had no room left. Even then, he tried to constantly kick his legs out. We did not get a good profile pic, as they all have a foot sticking out of her mouth. We got a glimpse of her face briefly and the child has the sweetest pucker, just like M!!

This pregnancy has been night and day different from Makafui's. The first 17 weeks were very hard, but things have gotten better lately. I have more energy and feel tired like the mom of a toddler, not tired like I could die.

Thanks to this energy, I have been able to step up my activity and workouts, which is helping in the weight gain department. Woohoo again!

I'm feeling regular kicks/movement now and am so relieved and thankful every time I do. I can't wait until Makafui and George can feel them too!

I am definitely showing earlier than I was with M, but it's just different. I feel thick rather than baby belly fabulous. :) Oh well. It is what it is.

This weekend, my mom and I are going maternity clothes shopping for my Birthday. So much of what I have from the last go around is the wrong season or stretched out from my big ol' 9 month belly, so I just look fat and sloppy, not pregnant. I'm excited to get some cute, warm weather things. I will also be buying some ridiculously frilly baby girl stuff!

I have to say, this 20 weeks has seemed to creeeeep by. When I reached this point with M, I felt like it happened so quickly and I was sad that we were already half way done. Now, I am thankful we've made it this far and am just trying to enjoy the rest of the time, regardless of how long or short it "feels".

I would rather eat sweets than other things, but I'm choosing healthier options. I have always been a salad lover, but not this pregnancy, salad just sounds so unpleasant and it tastes weird to me.

I am not enjoying much in the way of meat, and in general, I do most of my daily eating before 2ish. I'm just not hungry in the evening.

My skin is way more sensitive this time around-I get sunburned in no time!

Makafui has been talking about the baby quite a bit. He pats my belly, says "Don't quish da baby." and talks about her anytime he hears the word baby. Of course, at 2, he only understands so much, but I'm glad he's talking about it in a positive and loving way.

We have done very little in the way of preparing for this kiddo. Since we have big things like the car seat, crib, etc. we haven't "needed" to start so early, but it's been weird not prepping in the same way and buying baby things here and there. I just started looking at nursery options this past weekend! Now that we know WHO this baby is, I feel like I can start preparing better.

We 100% have her first name decided upon, but I started thinking about other middle name options today...we'll see what G thinks.

I have been more anxious lately and I don't know if it's hormones, the losses I have been so close to or if it's just me! I worry about the baby and her health more than I should. I worry about how Makafui will adjust to having a sibling more than I should. I worry about being a good mom to two kids, but probably an appropriate amount. ;) Mostly, I am anxious about where we are going to live and how high rent prices are. That one, I definitely worry about TOO much! I know in my heart that God has it worked out, but it still occupies a big part of my mind!

Happy half-way, Baby!

Picture Post

We went on a movie date this week. :-) M lasted an entire hour & is still talkin about our date & popcorn.



We tried to go shopping as a family, but it didn't work out so well. G took M out. When I got to the car I found him watching Curious George, wearing his own 'lellow hat' and eating Funions! This boy.




This 'assident' happened this week too. That's nail polish.



We had an impromptu family picnic last Sunday & it was WONDERFUL! I wish I had taken more pics. This is my favorite park! We all had a blast, Makafui ran the entire time & great memories were made.

Bubbles on my couch, I need Jesus

Makafui is quite the active little fellow. I have discovered that he needs a LOT of physical activity/outlets and social/intellectual interaction...like way more than I realized. Now that I know this and in an effort not to 'provoke my child to anger' I have been working really, really hard at planning our days with that in mind.

When Makafui does get those outlets, he is tired enough to take a nap, so he is also well rested. On those days that we hit the mark, he is a complete doll! He consistently listens, he obeys, he is less frustrated, he doesn't hit and he is all around faaaaahbulous kid. He also makes it 'til Daddy gets home and has a blast running around and wrestling with him. It's a win-win.

However, this is no easy feat! I have already started planning out our summer (May-August before the baby comes) and frankly, I am exhausted just trying to figure it out!

Today the rain really botched my plans (as well as the lack of sleep due to a crying toddler for h-o-u-r-s last night), but I did what I could...including H-E-B at 7:00am. I packed our morning and completely wore myself out in the process! Then nap time came and M didn't sleep. Instead, he shoved diapers under his door, bellowed, "I bonk-e head!!" and other ridiculous things for an hour.

Our afternoon was full of whining and meltdowns-and me wearing a stupid baseball cap because I was too tired after swimming to look good. In the worn out midst of this, I got a call from a Dr.'s office about a billing issue from my surgery. Oh great. Everything was going wrong from about 11:00 on.

Finally, it was time to start dinner and we were in the home stretch. I was at the stove when I heard a glug-glug and looked to see a naked (why? because he could) Makafui sitting on the couch and pouring an entire, large bottle of bubbles on it!

I had had it! I yelled his name (still feeling bad about that yelling thing) scooped him up and put him in his room. Then I tried to clean it up, while burning dinner.

After things settled down and M was asleep (and I was still an exhausted to tears, stress-ball-freakazoid) I wanted to call my husband so bad and tell him to bring me some sort of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and bubble bath. Because that's what I needed.

And then I was reminded just how weak and needy I am. It's Lent, I'm not eating sweets. And oh yeah, ice cream won't make me suddenly feel like a good mom despite failing in so many ways today. A bubble bath will not make me chill the freak out about my constant battle to have a clean home. Neither of those things will make me not stress about how on earth I will handle this precious, high needs toddler AND a newborn. And no, they won't make my worries over medical bills and finances go away either.

Jesus can though. If I let Him.

Geez. Who knew I would get that from bubbles on my couch?

Permanent

Last year, George got a promotion at work. I think it may have been the worst promotion in the history of all promotions. First, he went from hourly to salaried plus commission. His hours increased a LOT and he moved branches, so his commuting time did as well and he couldn't come home during the day. For nearly two months, he only received base (still never figured out why that was standard procedure) so we took a gigantic, I mean gigantic pay cut. Once the commission started rolling in, we were right back to what he had been making, only he was working a lot more! His weekend work increased and Mon-Fri he would leave home around 6 and not come back until 7:30 or even 8. To put it lightly, this was hell.

As soon as we realized the promotion was going to look like this, George started applying for jobs elsewhere. The promotion came a wee bit sooner that we had expected. Since George was working all the time, I really stepped up the oh-so-frustrating job search and broadened the search to include most of Texas (but no Lubbock, because....just no). He had phone interviews just about every month and some in-person interviews as well. The problem was, once in the interview, the company would end up being just as sweatshop-y as where he was, only there was not the same level of job security or seniority. Boo!

In August, George went to a hiring blitz at his dream company. Dream company! It was an intense interview- it consisted of an orientation, a presentation he prepared, a panel interview and a sales call to managers in another room. I was so proud of him, he did so well!!

Then, he got the call. They said they were sorry, but they weren't able to hire as many people as they anticipated. However, they said they were really interested in him and wanted to keep in touch, that he would just need to interview with a hiring manager in the future. We were sad. That was the dream job.

Well, each month, Dream Company would call with an update, insisting that George was on the top of their list, but that hiring kept getting pushed back.

Then came December. On the day I found out I was pregnant, Dream Company called. With an offer. No more interviews required. They wanted George to start in January...as a contract employee! He would be contracted for 6-9 months and hired "upon performance" afterward. It couldn't be easy could it?

They gave us a week to give an answer and ask questions. Believe it or not, this was a VERY hard decision! Hell Job had one major, major thing going for it- job. security. G was golden boy there and basically nothing could threaten his job. He also had benefits and though he rarely used it, time off (and would be eligible for paternity leave when the baby came).

Dream Company made the same amount of money, but get this, it's only 40 hours a week. George has NEVER only worked 40 hours a week. The company culture is about a million times better than Hell Job and the career outlook is amazing. That contract thing just kept grabbing us. The contract would be up right around the time we have baby #2. What if it wasn't renewed or he didn't get permanent? We had about a dozen 'what if' questions. None of them were answered definitively.

So we prayed. A lot. And this is what we figured, a hundred bad things can happen at any time and there is nothing we can do about it. We can trust in God and try our hardest to be where we think He has us. The safest place to be is squarely in the will of God. Figuring out 'where' that is can be the hard part.

So, we did it. We took the biggest leap of faith we have ever taken as a family.

And God showed up!

On Friday, after 6 weeks of work, not 6-9 months, George was informed that he will no longer be a contract employee. He becomes a permanent, full time employee of Dream Company starting March 31st.

I am still in shock and awe of God's goodness to us. Yes, my hubby is rockin' this new job and working hard, but God is oh-so-good! I cannot even begin to express the ramifications of this change and the massive amount of joy and gratitude I am feeling. We are so overwhelmed with this blessing and it is just so much more than I imagined would happen to us. What I love most about this job is that George is valued. No one mistreats him or tries to cheat him. He comes home mentally exhausted sometimes, but glowing. I know that sounds so cheesy, but this is work that is good for him. I couldn't ask for more! Thank you, thank you, Lord!!

Now of course, it couldn't all be so easy. Dream Company is quite the commute, so in September, when our lease is up and we have a brand new baby, we will be moving! I don't know where, but surely I'll figure that out in the next 5 months or so. We still have to keep things lively around here. ;-)

And on a side note, I know I refer to his last job as Hell Job, but I am joking. It was career boot camp and prepared him for where he is now. It wasn't easy for any of us, but it was a good job for us for a season (a season that ended before the job did:) and we are very grateful for it. It also serves as a giant dose of perspective to what a "bad day" really looks like. Ha!

Catch up...

I haven't been a big blogger lately, so it's time to catch up!

-After a nap-free winter, I THINK Makafui is starting to nap again. All I have to do is take him to the Y  for an hour or two, to an outdoor or indoor playground and to a less physical, more mentally stimulating errand (like the library or a pet store) by 11:30. Then, he will nap. And if he starts his nap by noon, then he'll still go to bed at a decent time.

-This crazy weather is driving me nuts, I am ready for the cold to be gone for more than 3 days and to enjoy real Texas spring. I crave outside playtime with SUN everyday!

-Makafui got to wander the library at large (instead of me holding him or being in the stroller) for the first time last week and loved it! He just kept saying, "I at the libary, I at the libary!" He only picked one book (about tractors) but had a blast!

-I've been getting these crazy pregnancy headaches nearly everyday. Thankfully, they aren't as bad as the week I went off of progesterone, but still, no fun! They suck, but remind me that even discomfort can be full of blessings. I am thankful for this Little One.

-Makafui has been cracking me up lately, he feels very strongly about things, like he "neeeeds" pretty much everything and he really "loves" his ball, his car, you name it! He is also learning sarcasm, he asks me, "Well, how did that happen?" and after telling me excuse me or taking my food, he says, "Sorry 'bout that Mommy, sorry 'bout that."

-He is quite the snuggle bug and I love it! Every morning, after he gets up, we just sit on the couch and snuggle and sing songs for 10-15 minutes. He tells me, "I want Mama hold you!" at least 10 times a day!

-G started a new job in January and it is going great! We are so grateful for the change and for the amazing company he is working for!

-I plan on spending the summer at the pool with Makafui. In preparation, we have been trying to swim at the heated indoor pool at the Y. This boy is certainly not a water baby. He likes baths (to the extent that sometimes he takes 2 a day) but the pool and splash pad have not been a hit. We have spent more time getting dressed and undressed for the pool than we actually have in the water! I am hoping that the positive peer pressure of seeing cousin Sophia swim will help him out. We will keep trying, but geez, it's a lot of work to get ready to swim when he BEGS to get out after only 5 minutes!

-The hitting situation with M is getting much better. I think it's a combination of consistent discipline, a phase he is getting out of, and working my butt off to get him the physical outlets he needs to burn off that pent up energy. Whew! He wears me out sometimes. :)

-Our kitchen sink has not worked 100% since we moved in the week of Thanksgiving and as usual, it gets really nasty on the weekend when maintenance isn't here. Add that to the crappy management team we have, dog poop everywhere, loud neighbors and the nickel and diming to death (and I'm sure hormones have something to do with this) I am just soooo over living here!! First world problems- I know, I know.

-Did I mention at Makafui's well check his height was in the 92nd percentile?! Whoah! His head has leveled out to about average and so is his weight.

-I'm trying really hard to figure out good building blocks to teach M about Easter at his age. This year, we are focusing on Jesus gives new life. I had thought about teaching our kids about the Lord before we had any, but I didn't really think that much about how you teach a toddler with limited understanding. I'm leaning on grace here and trusting I will have many years to build onto these little blocks.

-My 16 week appointment is this week. I am always excited to check on the baby, but I'm super excited this week to schedule our big anatomy scan (and gender reveal!). Yay!

-I'm concerned about some people I love very much. It's a hard place to be in, to care, but not to be anxious all the time. I'm trying to give these concerns back to God. Some days this goes better than others.

-Life is full and exhausting right now. It probably will be for many years though, huh?

To Lent or not to Lent?

My big brother asked me if I would be observing Lent this year or not & I just wasn't sure. I had been toying with it, but just hadn't committed. I grew up (and still am) very protestant- mainly Baptist, Non-Den & Bible churches. None of those observe Lent & some were so anti-Catholic that is was something you didn't even talk about.

Lately though, I've been wanting more. More from my lackluster church, more in my personal relationship with Christ, more peace, more joy. More.

For a few years now I have purposed that Easter NEEDS to be a bigger deal. And for a few years, Easter has come and gone and it just wasn't.

I did more research this week about Lent for the protestant. Aside from feeling totally stupid, I really appreciated what I learned.

Lent is not about legalism, it is not about buying your own grace by fasting from something, or getting on God's good side by depriving yourself for 40 days (40 instead of 46 because you take Sundays off, say what?!). Its not a game & its not for show.

It IS a tool and opportunity. Similar to Advent at Christmas, Lent is a time to look toward the coming celebration and meditate on what Christ has done for us. Fasting from something during Lent is just another opportunity to take our focus off of worldly desires & focus on Christ & His sacrifice for us...to dwell on Easter. To grow, not to just go through the motions.

And the word Lent? It just means Spring. Sweet, warm Spring. Renewal. Freshness.

Hmmm, it seemed so stiff and contrived before. Not so much anymore.

So for the first time in my life, I'm observing Lent and I'm very excited about it!

What am I giving up? Sweets! It ain't gonna be easy, but that's really the point, isn't it?

Seven

I recently read this blog and aside from it making me cry, it really resonated with me and convicted me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life, how precious it is, how fleeting, the way we look at it. I was saddened when I read this blog, because I have said in my heart the thing about a miscarried baby somehow being a defect. In an effort to guard my heart during a difficult pregnancy, I devalued my own child. As if saying that to myself would somehow make the death of my baby hurt less. It wouldn't. It was a lie anyway. This child is precious, a valued and irreplaceable person. My child, regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy.

Similarly, I was at an event last weekend when someone asked a family member and I how many grandchildren my parents have. The person quickly answered, three. I wanted to answer and give that same number, but the word got stuck in my throat & my eyes started to water. Three is the answer when you don't want to cry or explain things, or get 'that look'...or worse, be dismissed. Three is the answer to keep the light social banter just that.

Three is wrong.

There are seven grandchildren. Three are already with Jesus; three here on earth, huggable and close, one in the womb. Seven people, seven lives, seven "Browns". The absence of those three, recently and not so recently lost is felt by us all. It had come in waves before, but its quite acute lately.

Seven, that's the correct number.

This Grief Thing

This has been a very intense week. I'm not even sure what to say about it, how to process everything.

I think I'm over the initial shock of losing Naomi. Then again, I was in Carter's on Friday and wanted to buy her an outfit. It took me a second to realize I couldn't do that. I remember going through similar things after we lost my Nonnie. I would look forward to telling her something or seeing her on Easter and then remember I couldn't. Mostly, a sadness has just set in. Sadness, yet hope. Sadness, but still an unwavering faith in God and His goodness-despite the fact that we can't quite wrap our heads around this.

One of the crazy things through this week was my NT scan for our growing baby. It seemed so surreal and for lack of better expression, messed up to be watching my squirming baby on a screen while mourning my baby niece. And you know, it is messed up; God didn't intend for our world to work this way...death sucks. I'm very uncomfortable right now talking about our baby during this loss. Its an odd feeling. I am still happy and protective of our little bean, but also so sensitive to the pain of Joe and Sara. Both my brother and sister in-law have told me a few times that they don't want their loss to dampen our joy and that they are looking forward to snuggling our baby. I really appreciate that and I know they mean it. I also know that emotions and grief are a strange thing and they can catch us off guard. I don't want to accidentally cause them more pain and I'm not sure what to do about that.

I think the worst thing about grieving with someone is not knowing how to help them. I am such a doer. I really want to DO SOMETHING to make this easier. I try, but I know only the Lord and time will really ease the pain.

The blessing coming out of this loss is that God is bringing healing and growth to relationships. I am so thankful for that! Loss really magnifies what you do have and petty things are more easily brushed aside. I am grateful for such a wonderful family, who like always, have rallied around in time of crisis. We are all processing and mourning Naomi in different ways, but our priority as a group is to come along side Joe and Sara and support and love on them as they heal.

God has not changed, but we are knowing Him in a different way through this. He is good and He loves us oh so much!

Naomi

On Friday, my niece, Naomi Joan entered this world still. My sister in-law Sara, has shared her story on her blog. I don't think it needs to be said, but clearly, my family is crushed by this shocking loss.

Please pray for Joe, Sara & Sophia as well as both extended families as we process this loss & walk through our grief.

Makafui 2.0

Happy Birthday Makafui!!!

Wow, this sweet boy is TWO!! I'm just so grateful for how he fills our home & lives with so much joy!

At TWO...

Makafui is very loving. He gives hugs all throughout the day and spontaneously tells me, family members, toys and Curious George that he loves them. He is starting to grasp the concept of restoration after a wrong. He quickly gives hugs to us or a friend after discipline or hurting someone and expects one if he is the one who has been wronged.

Makafui is one joyful little boy! He is smiling or laughing 90% of his waking hours! He is so happy and it just flows out into our home.

Makafui and I can actually converse. It's so great to know what serious or silly things are going on in his head. I love how he shares it. My favorite at the moment is the mini black preacher that is FULL of the SPIRIT-T-T! He just randomly and intensely prays, some days more than others. He can also finally say Jesus correctly, so it's even more adorable. I understand the majority of what he says, but sometimes he goes off in Ewe (Daddy's language) and I have no clue what he is saying! I'm not sure how much he understands either or if he is just mimicking. "BE NICE!" is a current favorite command. George laughs every. single. time. he hears Makafui say it! I'm not quite as amused.

He also has accents, but they are different accents and on different words. For instance, he says cat like a Brit, "cAHt" and he normally says car fine, but when he talks about Daddy's car, he says it, "kAh" like he's from Boston. There are others, but these are my favorite.

His memory is insane! He has not forgotten about the baby and talks about him/her a lot. He also remembers other things that we've only told him once or twice. I told him to be careful the other day because there was dog poop (gross!!!) near the car. Now, every time we go to the car he says, "Be careful Mama! Yucky dog poop! Watch out, so gross!"

He loves to learn and I love to teach him and watch him discover new things. His fine motor skills are really developing, he can thread beads onto a pipe cleaner, play dexterity type games on my phone and is getting more controlled in his coloring. He counts to 10 consistently and sometimes gets to 14 or 15. He recognizes circles, stars and triangles consistently and gets square and oval sometimes. He knows color names, but doesn't get them correct. He can sing the real words to several nursery rhymes and songs (he got this from Mommy and Gigi). He can also follow multi-step directions without missing anything. I know I am super biased, but I'm pretty impressed.

He is very sensitive to sound. He must ask, "What's that sound?" two dozen times a day or more! The sounds don't seem to bother him, he is just very in tune to them. Again, he is quick to remember a sound he has heard, like the neighbors upstairs.

On that sound spectrum, he loves music! When we listen to the radio in the car, he tells me, "This my munic (music)." or, "My song! Turn up!" His favorites are Somebody That I Used To Know, What The Fox Say, and Itsy Bitsy Spider.

He has really been getting into imaginative play lately. Every little figure he has is named Guy. I crack up every time I hear him call out for Guy. Cars and his airplane are his favorite toys right now.

His favorite foods are pizza, plain multi-grain waffles, applesauce pouches, string cheese, strawberries, apples, oranges and Pirates Booty and guacamole. He's pretty good at trying new things, but I never can guess what will be a hit and what won't.

He's sleeping through the night again, but not going down easily. He naps a few times a week.

I can't believe how much he has changed and really come into his own over this past year! we have challenging times, but overall, he is just a delight. This next year is going to be full of changes and new experiences. I pray I can be a great Mama to him as we figure out this 2 year old thing!
















 

Deeeep Breeeaaath

Yesterday, I saw my originally chosen OB (up to this point, I had been seeing the Dr. who performed my surgery). Oh my goodness, the visit could not have gone better!! First off, the nurse found the strong heartbeat on the Doppler immediately (always a bit scary at the early visits)! My Doctor really spent time with me discussing everything and was so full of peace and reassurance- I felt like for the first time in six weeks I could really take a breath!

My lifting restrictions have been removed so I can finally pick up my sweet, growing boy! I am staying on progesterone for 3 more weeks, but then I get to be back to normal! I was just so blessed by my visit and this Dr. assured me that at this point, if something were to happen, it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. He also said that my last wonderful pregnancy is the greatest indicator of what this one will be like. Whew!

I feel very relieved. Not once did I hear, "You're not out of the woods, yet." I am excited to start moving more and to get back to "normal" life. I have a sonogram on Monday and am really looking forward to seeing this Sweet Babe again.

We continue to pray for this Child's life and soul and their place in our family and this world. We are a lot less anxious in our prayers, though. Grow, Baby, GROW!!

Grow, Baby, Grow!!

That's what I've been chanting to this Little One night and day!!

My appointment today showed that this babe is doing just that! Cocoapuff is measuring right on target & has a strong, 186 beat per minute heart rate! Yayyyyy Baby!

That pesky subchorionic hematoma is still hanging around.  We're keeping an eye on it and I've been down-graded to monthly appointments, so that's a good sign.

After a week of misery, I started Zantac & I'm a new person!! I can also start light exercise & lift up to 20lbs (Makafui weighs 28, which is a bummer). I'm excited to work on getting back to some level of normal.

I confess that I'm still a bit nervous about this pregnancy & look forward to just being able to enjoy it. Still praying for this precious baby- whoever he/she is, they're one tough kiddo!

God Knew, God Knows

The drugs I'm on to help Baby hold on have some un-fun side effects. By far, the worst one is mood swings, or more extreme emotions. For me, that meant that several days this week I was completely overcome with anxiety, fear and sadness. I cried a lot and didn't feel like myself at all (this is not normal for me-even pregnant). I was constantly worried that I was somehow harming Makafui by actually being on "light duty", that I had tanked our families finances with a surgery, many Dr. visits and expensive drugs and feared that all of this upheaval would be for nothing-that our precious little baby wouldn't make it.

Today, I am feeling much more myself! I have not cried at one news story or commercial, I laughed when Makafui turned the water in my shower to cold (that non-verbal communication is quite loud) and I am hopeful.

So before I become a basket case again, I want to remind myself of some truths.

George and I are not the type to make decisions and assume God will give His stamp of approval afterward. We really try to seek Him for our life and future and consider what HIS plans are for our life, rather than just what we would like to do.

We sought Him and wise counsel when we were sorting through and figuring out what insurance plan we chose for 2013 and 2014. We trusted Him when He said "no" to some things we really wanted and "wait" for the things that were meant for us...just not yet. We asked Him to bless us with another child and believe it happened in His timing.

And here we are, embarking on a new year with a LOT going on! Some things we have shared publicly, others, we have not. But they all weigh heavily on my mind.

None of these things were a surprise to God. Not the baby or "her" precarious situation, not the medical crisis, not the medical bills, not the needs of our sweet boy, not the changes juuuuust around the corner, not the uncertainty of our housing, not any of the stresses and more.

God knew what was going to happen before it did. He protected us from some things, and allowed others. God knows what we need, what we crave, what we worry about, what brings us to tears.

And He is faithful. Faithful when things are awesome. Faithful when they are hard. Faithful when I am an emotional basket case. He is blessing our marriage and our growing family through this faith walk. I am taking it one day at a time, reminding myself that the Lord knows what's next and what's best.

Silly boy!

We tried to get out on our own today, or maybe I'm the only one who tried! I got M to climb into the car, but he had no interest in his own seat, he scrambled to the driver seat in no time!! We didn't end up going anywhere, after a while, he decided he wanted to watch Daniel Tiger. Silly boy!

23 Months

Today, Makafui is 23 months! I can't believe he has only one month left until he's two!!

Makafui is quite the delight. He definitely pushes the limits at times, but in general, he is a fairly easy going, BUSY, super happy & social boy.

I'm very proud of how Makafui is adjusting to all the changes and craziness around here. His sleep has been most affected. He's not really napping anymore because we don't really do anything to wear him out. He has started night waking as well. I'm trying to be sensitive to his emotional needs and how his world has been turned upside down, so I just lay down with him in the night. I'm so hoping he will get through this & start sleeping well again! One day at a time...

He continues to be a big talker & I love hearing what's going on in his mind. He is speaking in longer & longer sentences & is even saying please & thank you without being reminded. He's allllways asking questions, but we haven't hit the WHY? stage yet. When we pray, he now repeats what we're saying or adds something similar, rather than just cutting us off with an amen.

He is a pro at taking his clothes off, and quickly! He can't get his jean closure open, but he can pretty much do everything else. One more sign that potty training is just around the corner!

He still LOVES Curious George, but likes to mix it up with Daniel Tiger every now and then.

He is very affectionate. Everyday, I get unprompted kisses, I Love Yous, pats on the back & tickles. He is so sweet.

Makafui is messy. Like, a lot. Our living rooms totally trashed & I think he likes it this way. If I really coach him, he'll clean it up, but it takes forever!

These days at home resting are long and hard at times, but I'm trying my hardest to cherish this time as just the two of us. I'm so thankful for my sweet boy!