Because I am a Stress-ball Freakazoid

For a first time mom, I have a lot of childcare experience. I've read a lot of books and implemented all sorts of different "methods" on other people's kids. I've sleep trained, potty trained, set and kept regular daily routines/schedules and juggled all sorts of stuff at once.

I told myself before Makafui was born, that I CANNOT spoil my newborn; that he needs me and can't comfort himself or meet his own needs and that his early weeks are so precious and fleeting. I know that babies learn to self comfort around 4 months, so I decided that for the 1st 2 months we should just do whatever works for us and at 2 months start working towards a more predictable life and getting to the place where he sleeps without help. Simple, huh? It was supposed to help me be super chill.

And here I am at just 5 weeks in and freakin' out about messing my kid up for life. He still nurses very often (every 2 hours at night, sometimes more in the day). He sleeps well during the day when I hold him, but when I put him down he wakes up within 10 minutes. In the evenings, he just neeeds me-so I don't get much of a break when G comes home, nor do I get much done around here.

I don't really mind these things for now, it's sweet that M needs me so much. I like watching him sleep. I like snuggling with him during the day. I love that I can make him so happy and content.

What worries me is what if he's still doing this in 6 months...or in 6 years? I want to go on a date with my husband! I want to be able to go places without nursing constantly. (Ever tried to nurse discreetly while dragging your grocery cart and doing your weekly shopping? It's a bit tricky.) I want to be able to really clean my house. I want my kid to be well adjusted. I want family life, instead of 100% Makafui run life. And maybe, just maybe there is some performance in there and a great fear of being a bad mom.

So I did what I do and read and researched and read some more. Turns out, as usual, I am a stress-ball freakazoid. My baby and his current development is completely normal and things will get better.

I don't know why I do this, why I put so much pressure on myself to do everything right...perfect, really. Doing things with excellence is one thing, but to stress the heck out over everything is a bit much. My value is not tied up in how well my baby sleeps, how much or little he cries, how clean my house is, or ultimately, in my ability to "do it all". This is something I really struggle with and has become more obvious adding a newborn to my life. I guess I know what to be praying about during all those quiet night time feedings...

Colossians 3:1-4
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.