Passing the time...

What do I do while waiting forever....and not spend money??

Play at Target, of course!

I LOVE my brother! :)

Life this week...

Here's an update on my week...

I'm wait-wait-waitin' away for that elusive interview. There is a certain amount of peace in knowing we will be together in November regardless of an interview...but I still want a visa!

My boss had her baby girl on Tuesday. I'm so happy for them. I can't imagine how wonderful they must be feeling as a complete, together family. Hopefully one day I will.

I had a tough work situation with another family I recently started with. It was compounded by stress in my life. This week I decided to jump in and do a good job without being too invested, thus, not allowing their problems to overly stress me. It was hard, but I did it and I need the money. Then, my hours got cut. Seriously??

On Easter Sunday this year, I saw a really terrible car accident. I did the normal thing and helped and waited for the police to take my statement. Today I was called by a law firm that is representing the poor family who got hit (all 6 of them were very injured and I was so glad to hear that they are getting better). The law assistant was blown away that I was willing to help (sad world, I didn't exactly do anything) and we had a pretty good time talking to one another. It felt good to actually be somewhat productive. AAANND...the lawyer she works for has a daughter who is marrying someone from another country. We sort of swapped stories...she lamented with me the amount of paperwork and assured me that I've done all I can do and it's just a waiting game now. That helped me, I think the legal assistant actually knows what they are talking about.

So I guess that's it. Boring, waiting life. I've been flight searching, have I mentioned I hate Delta? I wish I had something funny or at least good to say...

Clarification...

A lot of people are starting to worry about me right now. (More people than I realized knew or cared about our situation.) My sadness, the drop-it-like-its-hot attitude with my church, my honesty about spiritual junk food and quest to know who exactly God is, has surprisingly concerned many. Some think I am bitter and depressed, some think I am losing my faith, some think I'm about to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) altogether and some think all of those things combined are true. So here goes-I'd like to clarify a few things...

First, thank you for your concern...I think.

Secondly, let me address some of these issues. The most import being that I may be losing my faith. That my friends, is so NOT true. My God is big [and mysterious] and my faith is deep. If I lost my faith after only a few years of hardship, then it wasn't worth keeping anyway. I still believe in God, I still love God and I still believe He loves me. What I am questioning is not His existence or His saving grace. I am questioning the "junk food" things I've been given about what He does and what we get from Him. How involved is He? What exactly does "ask...seek...knock" mean? Do we present our requests to him because it's a good discipline or because He will answer us? Why does it feel like He led us here and left us with no help and very little support? Why do we experience trials and is this one of them or have I overestimated what the Christian walk "should" be? I don't think God is messed up here, I think what I have known about God may be a little off. I also know there is grace for that. I still pray...er, cry out to God all. the. time. I still hope that He is moving and doing things we don't see. I still want people to know Him and see His mighty deeds. But I'm also still stumped by His silence. I don't pretend....that's why people worry. I think maybe I say/write the things some people are afraid to acknowledge. But let me tell you, God is bigger than my questions. I've never enjoyed people who had set theologies that put God in a box. I guess I had done that too. I'm learning I don't have to know everything.

As for the church thing. I'm aware it's not healthy to isolate and that at some point I need to get reconnected with a church. I'm also too aware that "good Christians" go to church, but simply going only fools people into a false security. My church was hurtful to me (with the exeption of a few) and did more harm than good. So for now, I'm taking all the good I can get from other churches and enjoying having no one know me or my saga. One day, this will change.

Onto the bitter and/or depressed thing. I am not bitter, I am sad. I am not depressed, I am sad. I do have moments of anger-like earlier this week when Skype wouldn't work and stole $5 of my money trying to connect for an $8 call that was terrible quality. That, made me mad! I had a little outburst, and for that, I am sorry. But here's the deal, most of the good in my life has come crashing down. All of the "fingerprints of God" I once saw have disappeared. That's a hard and sad thing. I've been struggling through life without the man God has for me for years now, that's a hard thing. I would think people should be concerned if I wasn't sad...not the other way around.

Things will get better, they have to. I refuse to live this way forever. I will be strong again, I will be me, again.

Contingency plan.

So it begins...round seven.

This is it. Interview scheduling has begun. Technically it begins on Monday, but that's a lie, things are already 'in play'. In two weeks or less, I will either be celebrating the victory of FINALLY getting an interview, or preparing to go to Ghana. Our track record so far would suggest that we are definitely NOT getting an interview. While there is still an itty bitty glimmer of hope somewhere deep in my heart, I'm not holding my breath (I'm also still trying to figure out if that is contradictory or just common sense). I've moved onto the contingency plan...you know, just in case.

So here's the plan. Go on 'furlough' from my current job and wait it out a bit in Ghana. I'm thinking leave early November and come back in January. I know my family will miss me, especially for the holidays, and I will miss them too. That's the not-so-great part of the plan. I can't wait forever though. Time together will be SO good for us and I know that if I have to return without G, we will both be stronger and refocused. For now, I'm trying not to think about the returning part though-I've got to get there first!

My contingency plan has been complicated however, by the fact that the job that was going to pay at least November's rent, but possibly more, fell through. So I'm really trying to make money quickly here. Would you please pray for that? God has faithfully provided for trip, after trip, after trip to Ghana. I hope He continues to do so. Also, if you live near me and know of any short term jobs, please let me know!

And that cryptic "Please Pray" government junk is still hangin' around. So please continue to pray for that too. There's just a bunch of hard stuff right now...okay, that's an understatement, we're completely weary and brokenhearted right now. We really need a breakthrough.

Please pray...

More sticky government junk. No details for now. Please, please pray for us! We need favor, guidance and peace!

Some days...

At some point recently I wrote how some days I'm okay with this immigration stuff-it is what it is.

This is not one of those days.

Today I am angry, hurt, sad, pissed off and just gloomy. I'm sick of waiting. I want justice. I want my man. I want to be heard. I want a real life.

Some days I just keep my head up and keep doing my thing, I ignore how I am feeling. Today is not one of them. My heart is broken and I can find no comfort.

I hope tomorrow is different...

How dare they!

This morning I opened my inbox and much to my amazement, I had mail from the consulate. There were not 1....2....or 3 e-mails, but FIVE e-mails form the consulate in Accra! Half of me wanted to rejoice (Oh Happy Day was going off in my mind, sung by an amazing black choir in cool looking robes) but I held it in. My track record of getting good news pretty much sucks, so I figured this may not be what I've been hoping and praying for. And guess what? It wasn't. At all. The consulate finally decided to answer my e-mails and every single one of them was answered with the exact same canned response. They did not read what I had to say, no one wants to listen to me, and they are most certainly no help at all. There isn't even a word for these people (okay, maybe there is, but I'm not gonna type it).

On another note. Yesterday, I didn't go to church, but I listened to the sermon from my little brother's church. It made me sob. It was good, it was hard. If you have some time and want to hear a sermon about waiting, click here.

Nothing new...

I have nothing new or funny to say. So there is no real reason to blog, except that this is the only way some people know that I'm still alive and/or haven't completely lost it. I'm still alive y'all!

Sometimes the immigration injustice we are experiencing makes me really angry. Other times, it is what it is and I can accept it. This week is just neutral, it is what it is.

I've heard some sad stories this week of relationships (some involving immigration, some not) that went wrong. It makes me sad for those people, but again, puts into perspective the wonderful man I have. I hate this wait and there is so much wrong with the system. However, the fact still remains that George is the man for me and he is STILL worth all of this trouble. I'm so thankful he is mine!

The future is still very unknown and I continue to pray for holidays with George here in the States. My boss has an interview on Monday afternoon-please pray!! Even that small (seemingly insignificant) detail would help us figure out what's next.

Lip gloss, music and other ramblings.

I don't wear lip gloss recently. Especially the pink kind. You know why? Shiny, pink lips say, "I'm cute, I'm fun, I'm happy and approachable. Talk to me, I probably have something sweet to say." Nope...I don't want that. Chapstick is good enough. For some reason though, yesterday I decided to put lip gloss on for church. Bad idea. I arrived exactly as planned (10 minutes late) and when looking for a back, outside spot, an usher came to help me. The guy totally called me on wanting to sit in the back! Then he kept talking to me about "plugging in" and put me on the inside of an older, larger couple-I assume in hopes that I wouldn't leave. Ugh. It was totally the lip gloss.

I also haven't been listening to music recently. Music was simply cluttering up the space and not allowing me to think properly (does that make me sound crazy?). So I quit listening to music. I cleaned my apartment in silence, got ready for the day in silence, walked and worked out in silence and drove in silence. It was pretty nice, actually. No distractions. Now I've started listening to music again, but only Jesus music. I have a new anthem to my life and I listen to a LOT. Maybe you'll be blessed by it too, I'm trying to post it.

I sent a fax to the embassy in Accra. Well, I think I did, I tried to anyway and I got a confirmation. Did I mention the consulate e-mail address doesn't work? Yep, one more thing to stand in my way. So we'll see if it yields any results.

I've had a few people say things along the lines of, "Christ is going to return, these troubles are only momentary....blah, blah, blah." As if I shouldn't think this is a big deal. You know, that is true, Christ is going to return. But if it were all about Christ returning and the things we go through on earth were of no use, then why don't we go straight to heaven when we are saved? Besides that people aren't married in heaven, but God has given us marriage on earth. God is purposeful, so I'm thinking marriage is somehow to our good and His glory-not just a cute thing He thought up. I could be wrong though. The other thing is, Jesus suffered here on earth. He suffered a lot actually, in many different ways. He, of all people truly knew how momentary that suffering was, but it was still hard. I am well aware that in light of eternity, these years of emotional and spiritual hardship will be nothing. But for now, which is where God has placed me, they are kind of huge. With all that said, I am trying to keep the long term view in mind. It's not easy.

Reevaluating and making plans...

The news has settled (yet again) and we are making some plans (yet again). We'll wait for one more round of scheduling (yet again) before I buy a ticket to go for a visit. I still have a little hope, but need to make plans for the future.

At this point I'm thinking about 6 weeks in Ghana, this will encompass Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. The reason for this is two fold. Of those 6 weeks, three of them would be off of work anyway (assuming of course, that I still have my job and maybe go back to full time) so logistically, it's the best for several schedules. Also, because holidays with the whole happy, coupled up, lovey-dovey family can be pretty painful. And not to be a total jacka**, but a reminder that God still hasn't come through for me in this area. So I'm skipping it all! I won't have any sweater weather, or decorations and no happy couples all over each other. I certainly won't eat any turkey or ham, and there most definitely will NOT be a 9' tall, fresh-cut Christmas tree in Ghana! It will be different, it will be amazing. It will be a Christmas more about Christ and less about stuff. Nice, huh?

Here comes the problem...

I L-O-V-E Christmas and the way we celebrate it! I love that my family tries their hardest to come from near and far to be together. I love that we do silly things and eat too much. I love the challenge of finding the perfect gift for 12 family members (yes 12, that's only immediate family)! I love the games we play and the laughter we share! I love doing advent as a family and finding ways to continue traditions even though we are all adults. I love finding the perfect tree and decorating together! I love Christmas Eve at my brother and sister in-law's house. I love the fellowship. I love that you could drive by my parents' house and literally see love coming out of their home. It is THE holiday for us and we do it up BIG! And I'm gonna miss it.

What I truly want is for George to be a part of it all. It's not about the stuff and I can't drag what I love about Christmas to Ghana...well, maybe, but it would cost around $30,000. I don't even know that it's all about Christmas-it's about one more significant thing going by and us not being together for it. My desire to be with George is greater than my desire for a Brown family Christmas...it doesn't mean I won't miss it though and it doesn't mean I won't be missed.

It may seem silly, but would you mind praying specifically that George could get an interview and be a part of this with us? It means more to me than I realized. I still believe that God cares about the little things. I don't know why he hasn't answered what to me, is a huge thing, but I still believe. I'm still praying and still hoping. I would really appreciate you praying with me.

That's it, the extent of reevaluating. I don't think anything was actually figured out, except that there will be real face time, soon! Wooohoooo!!!! This plan only goes to the first few days of January...after that, who knows? I'm trying to be okay with that. I'm really, really trying to be okay with that!

I called...

I called the NVC today, to make sure our good news e-mail hadn't been lost. The answer, yet again, was "NO!" I'm really sad. I kind of knew this was coming, but hearing it makes it worse.

Not sure what to think....

First, my boss is at a convention right now possibly interview for several different positions. Please take a minute to pray for that. Thanks.

We're in a drought where I live. A real drought. Supposedly the worst in 50 years...so the worst in my life. Our lakes are disgustingly low, we are on water rationing and neighborhoods have resorted to painting grass green, since they can't keep it alive with water. Rain almost seemed like a myth. The last time it rained here it was a quick and violent storm that did more harm than good (remember, it ruined my car). But last weekend, it rained. It raaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnned! For days it rained. It simply poured...and flooded. It was amazing. It was refreshing. It was a borderline miracle-it made me think of Noah. Even Atheists would tell you it was a gift from God. It was good for my soul. I saw it as a wonderful analogy. I saw my life being in the worst drought it had known. I saw how I've been crying out to God and that He really was going to bring me "rain." I had hope. I knew his week would be good. I knew God was gonna show up BIG! I was wrong. God hasn't exactly drenched me and I don't see any BIG. Maybe my definition of big needs to change....who cares if you get the biggest and best Birthday gift if you don't eat on a regular basis. My God has faithfully met the need of the moment. I'm still begging for more, I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Week24 and we still have no interview. Again, I haven't called yet, but I know I would get an e-mail, so I doubt we got one. I'm okay with it....for now. I just don't feel like it's over yet. Thankfully, I still have hope.

George has a friend who has a sister going through this process (I feel like every Ghanaian starts a story that way-with some sort of long sleeve relationship!). Anyway, apparently she has had a crazy wait as well. So she called [or went to] the Embassy and was told that surely her interview is coming up. They told her visa lottery winners have priority and they are finished with them, so now it should be her turn. They told her to expect an interview in the next month or two. First of all, that makes me livid. It is completely wrong that my citizen rights are shelved because of a freakin' lottery! Our case is purposeful and the others are random...they can wait. However...on the upside, it means we really may have an interview soon! The embassy doesn't say things to make people feel good, so I'm thinkin' this is the truth. Also, there are some visa message board groups (which annoy me, but I still read) and a lot of people put their timelines up. Aside from seeing that our wait truly is BEYOND ridiculous, I have noticed that people find out about getting an interview at all different times, not just the second week of the month (which is the **** that the NVC has fed us). So who knows...obviously I don't. I will totally take good news-whenever it comes!

Waiting and busy work...

I haven't blogged in a while because we still have no news (maybe this week?) and I've been busy. What have I been busy with? Glad you asked!

I've been working on my Etsy store! George called me earlier this week so excited that he had what could be a "plan"...we are eager for plans! Anyway, he thought we should move up our timeline of starting a store with cool stuff from Ghana, and do it now. We had talked about it a few years ago, but it was an "eventually" thing, not for now. So before he spends lots of money buying things there and bringing them here, we're doing a trial run. So I pulled out all of the fabrics I had put away, started making a few things and set up an Etsy. Unfortunately, my sewing machine has decided to give me trouble, so I'm in a holding pattern. I started with easy stuff and all the truly wonderful things I have in my mind are staying there, because for now...I can't sew. Bummer! If you want to check it out, my site is: sisterbeta.etsy.com. Who knows if anything will come of it, but for now, I'm feeling very productive and that's great!

In other news, we have a short term plan and feel pretty good about it. If G doesn't get an interview this round, then I will go for a visit in November until the end of December or early January. We'll wait for one more round of scheduling just to be sure my ticket will be used (no refunds!). This will be Christmas number four of hoping George will be here...I'm glad to know we'll be together regardless. This plan has helped us because things are no longer indefinite. We don't know what will happen after that, but for now, that's okay. I'm still praying that he just gets a visa though!

Also, I've realized how many people actually read my blog and how many people are praying for us. Thanks readers! I appreciate your support!

Laughing...

I love kids, they are so dang funny! I am babysitting two little boys tonight. They are full of questions!

I must (all of the sudden) look really old to kids because they have all started asking me whether I have babies or not and when will I ever get married? I have heard those two questions five times this week!

D, the 7 year old and C the 4 year old were playing Legos a bit ago, here's what happened....

"Bethany," said D, "Do you have babies yet?"

"No, not yet." I said.

"Well are you married?" (I wonder why that question doesn't come first.)

"I'm working on it, sweetie. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything."

"Why aren't you married yet?"

"Remember, George lives in Africa. He needs a special piece of paper called a visa to come to America. It takes a long time to get a visa. Once he does, he will come and we'll get married."

"Oh....So if George is from Africa, what color is his skin?"

"Brown."

"I have brown skin friends." {wheels turnin', wheels turnin'...} "Wait, so if he's black and from Africa and you're American and white, what are your kids?"

"They'll be brown."

"That can't be. The only people with white skin who have brown kids adopted them. There is a girl in my class who has a brown sister and she's adopted." [he's an adorable smarty pants, btw]

"They'll be light brown. Like when you mix chocolate syrup into white milk-it's light brown."

"Oh, okay. What about their hair?"

Before I could answer, C piped up, "I have a brown girl in MY class! She must grink a LOTS of milk!"

...then I died laughing.

These kids are full of it, but by far the reasoning that drinking milk makes you brown skinned is the funniest thing I've heard in a while!

Happy Friday!

Friday is not quite the same when you don't work 45 hours, but there is still something fun about it.

Still no interview news. However, I still don't think they are done scheduling, it's been taking more than a week and Monday was a holiday. No tears yet...there is still hope.

In the hope department, I was checking flights today and found out some cool info. Continental has a way cheaper flight from Ghana to Texas with way better layovers than the Delta or BA flights. [See, I'm HOPING! George WILL come and I need to find a good flight!] The connection is in Frankfurt, so I was worried about getting a transit visa, blah, blah, blah. But, much to my surprise and delight, Germany doesn't require George to have one since he'll have a resident visa for the US. How cool is that? Yay Germany!

That's all. Happy Friday!

Bits and pieces

Still no interview, but it's not over yet...

I'm still seeking and trying to know what's next. I have no clue of the grand plan, but seem to be getting scavenger hunt type answers....just bits and pieces. I have had more work come in this week and I am so thankful! However, that doesn't answer my questions for next week or next month or anytime after. It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the picture is. It is SO hard for me not to have a grand plan! I'm trying to remain thankful for my current provision and not worry about all the tomorrows.

Running away to Ghana is still in the back of my mind, but for the moment anyway, I am staying here.

Please continue to pray for an interview and for wisdom.

The latest...

I got a second part time nanny job. This brings me up to 20 hours a week. This pays the bills, so I can't complain, but it's still not a long term fix. However, the baby I watch is pretty much THE SWEETEST thing ever and his older sister is hilarious (and a little crazy). I'm blessed to have a job with so much joy. I can only imagine how dismal life would seem if I did something like data entry...gag!

Still no interview news, but it's early in the game. I am dreading calling the NVC and am already formulating a plan for if we get bad news. I'm still hoping and praying for good news though.

This week my goal is to focus on now, and not later...or any of those daunting 'what-ifs'. Obviously, I'm not doing so great if I'm formulating a plan...but I'm working on it. I am thankful for the hours I've been given this week and am trying not to overwhelm myself with the thought of our September reevaluation deadline.

Longing for a breakthrough...

Spiritual junk food.

I started this blog as an outlet for my frustration and to document our story and tell about us without actually telling it over and over again. It's often turned into something else though...a vent, a discovery, a funny thing. And so it is...get ready...I couldn't sleep last night and these things kept going through my mind.

Yesterday the pastor said something that I can't stop thinking about. It was something to the effect of: we are so full on spiritual junk food, we don't have room for the real thing. So that made me think, what is spiritual junk food and where are we getting it? The first question is a little harder because I think the junk food is mixed with truth and we don't recognize it. Like peanut M&M's-it's chocolate and protein! The second question is an easy one for me, I get all my junk food from the church. I don't like Christian bookstores and don't read the "it" book, so mine comes from the church at large.

I've been searching a lot recently, I've discovered God is not quite who I thought He was. In fact, I'm not really sure who He is. I'm okay with that. This junk food analogy really hit home because I've been trying to weed out things I thought were true, but really aren't. Here is some of the junk food I've been fed in my church life...

"The Experience" This one is classic. The idea is to have an "experience" with God...it especially applies to corporate worship. Basically, dim the lights, sap up the music and get all weepy. Why? Because that's how God hears His people, that's how He and everyone else knows you are genuine. Here's the problem, relationship, which is what Christianity is, is not an experience. A hot air balloon ride is an experience. We don't "experience" it up with other relationships, and hello? we can't manipulate God. For a little while, I thought I could...all it takes are the right songs, the right feeeeling and the perfect amount of tears. WRONG!

Christ died for ME! You may be shocked that I wrote this. I don't by an means me Christ didn't die for us. What I mean is this line that I(!) Bethany Rene Brown am so singularly important to God that Jesus died for ME, He thought of me above all else and would have taken the cross even if I was the only sinner! He was thinking of ME and MY face on that blessed day on the cross! I really don't know where people get this. I know God cares for us because scripture supports that (and yes, I am greater than a sparrow). But the thought that I and I alone am worth the death of Christ is a stretch and elevates who we are as God's created.

"Quiet Time" This term makes me want to vomit. Here's the formula...wake up dreadfully early in the morning (God hears you best at 6am) read your bible and ask for what you want for at least 15 minutes. Then for the rest of the day hint and guilt out everyone you know by telling them about your QT. That's how you get God to listen to you and give you what you want. WRONG again! I love reading the Bible (I haven't always, but I do right now). We should know the Word and are supposed to pray without ceasing. However, this formula to the heart of God in the form of a good ol' QT is totally man made. Again, you can't manipulate God into doing what you want and he sees through sucky motives.

"Piper said..." Gag!!! It doesn't have to be Piper, that's just the one I hear the most...I also hear pastor/Mahaney/various other people. Americans have been sucked into this terrible trust of any "man of God"-I know people who quote Piper more than they quote the Bible! They love these "men of God" they nearly worship them! This is definitely junk food. People can say good things, but when you start to trust this stranger and take their word as the truth, that is a very slippery slope. Also, I'm just NOT a Piper fan...he came to my church one time and the number of people who came far and wide to see him was completely sickening. He's a freaking human being! They held on to every word he said and took it like the gospel. I can't remember any of it.

God is cute. This one is way bigger than the Piper problem. God is not cute. Puppies are cute. The best example for this is children (and adults) being taught that the story of Noah is about animals and pretty colors. How about, the wrath of God?! He DESTROYED the earth and all those people! Don't get me started, don't even get me started...

You may think I am a cynical jerk. Maybe I am. Those are just a few examples of what I see as spiritual junk food...things that slowly draw us away from the truth of God and towards the sayings of men. I don't think the people who have said these things are always meaning to do so, but regardless, it happens.

I'm just not satisfied anymore. I no longer want to be comfortably numb, sitting in a rich (and in debt) American church, being fed who we want God to be. I don't want to sit bored out of my mind listening to a pastor string together polysyllabic words that make him seem great, but don't show the heart of God. I want more. I want to know people who want more. I want it to be okay to question life as we know it. I want to be the church, not "those church people"...there's a huge difference.

One of the first verses I remember truly memorizing (not Awana memorizing where you do it for the prize, I mean at home memorizing-forever) is 'Be on guard, stand firm in the faith, be men of courage; be strong.' It's time for me to throw away the junk food and do just that.

A sweet Sunday...

It's been a long time since I had a sweet Sunday, but today I got one. I slept in for a very long time, got cute, went to a church and heard some wonderful things, had a sweet voicemail from a sweet friend, then came to my parents house and ate some amazing Challah French toast...mmmm. What will the rest of the day hold?

The church I went to today shocked me. I went because I knew it would be "safe", I wouldn't be challenged, but it wouldn't be bad either. I didn't go because I thought it would be fabulous or meaty and not because I think I will join.

First of all, it's doing that whole 'Let's be culturally relevant' thing. You know, the churches where the pastors wear jeans or other "cool" pants with un-tucked oxford shirts on? They are soooo edgy! I don't like that-the translation is usually a rumpled mess of, let me roll out of bed and show up to church with my breakfast and a yucky outfit on. After all, God takes me as I am, so I don't even need to pretend like I care. I am soooo not into that. And seriously, a Hawaiian shirt on the platform...no one takes you seriously with that on! I think you should dress like you care about church and dress like you respect this time set aside to worship God.

I digress. The sermon was great and such a blessing. It was from Luke 5 about Jesus getting into Simon's boat and telling him to cast his nets again. It was such a wonderful encouragement to me. Simon had worked and toiled all night long and got nothing. Then, after he had cleaned up and mended his nets, after his provision did NOT come, Jesus told him to try again. Not just try again, but to put out into the deep. I love his answer to Jesus, "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." I love the angst and the honesty in his answer....and then, obedience. The pastor really hit home how disappointed and fatigued Simon (as well as the other fishermen who ended up helping Simon take in the fish) must have been. They physically worked all night long, most likely calling out to God for help. This was their provision, their life they were fishing for and they got nothing. Jesus spoke (and with their obedience) everything changed. There were several points to this sermon, but not surprisingly, the one that stuck out to me was persevering through disappointment and fatigue. So here I am, working hard with no visible return, crying out to God, but getting nothing...but I will choose to persevere. For God's glory, not mine. I'm so glad I didn't stay in bed this morning and I'm so glad I went to the "safe" church. Thank you, Lord.

Is this it?

Each day holds a new level of disappointment. Yet somehow....somehow, I still have hope. I can't for the life of me figure out why, probably because of some other undesirable trait. Like I'm so **** stubborn that I refuse to give up.

I'm still praying my guts out, yet cringing at the thought of hearing "no" one. more. time. So I'm not sure where that leaves me, I think I have faith, but I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping this is all a fire drill, "What will you do if your world falls apart?" But in reality, it's just almost falling apart (or pretend falling apart, after all, that's what a fire drill is) and everything will come back together. But maybe this is actually it, maybe my world is falling apart. So then what?

I was hanging out with one of my older brothers today. He's having a really tough job situation. He HATES...no, he LOATHES his current job and has been looking for a different one for eleven months now! Meanwhile, his current job just gets worse. He was explaining that he could have quit his job a while ago, that would have solved the I-hate-my-job problem. But then what? It wouldn't be good for his next job, for his finances, for his marriage, or his future. That's about where I am. I want to run away so bad that it hurts. So bad that there are no words to describe it. I want to get on a plane and fly to Ghana and not even think about the consequences. That would totally solve my I-miss-George problem. But then what?

It's Saturday again. I'm dreading what to do tomorrow morning and longing for some encouragement. I don't know where to find that.